You’re a man. You’re into man stuff, like weed wackers, sports that cause brain damage, and getting hired by your dad’s golf friends.
But it’s autumn. And something feels different. With each falling leaf, you feel a strange desire building in the area beneath your left pectorals. You think lady-people sometimes call this area the “heart.” You long for flavor infused with cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, and — could it be — allspice?
You convince yourself that what you’re craving is bourbon. Bourbon comes in wood barrels. You’re pretty sure it’s made by American men who own tractors and shoot lame horses. You drink the bourbon. But you still feel empty.
If you’re being honest with yourself, it was never about the bourbon. You want pumpkin spice. You need pumpkin spice. But how can your body have betrayed you like this? Pumpkin spice is for women. Women who are into woman stuff, like scented candles, shoe shopping, and teaching kindergarten. Pumpkin spice comes in hand-painted mason jars. You’re pretty sure it’s made by grandmothers who own decorative pillows and organize potlucks for dying kids.
You’re confused and ashamed. To let off steam, you watch the local news clips online. You comment that the female anchor should be fired for being fat. She’s pregnant.
But through the darkness, you see a light in a gas station store refrigerator. You see a product called Jacked-O-Lantern Diesel Energy presented by Man Juice. You wonder whether this beverage could solve your problems.
You carefully inspect the packaging looking for signs that this product is, in fact, for men. You see that the bottle is covered in camouflage print. And not the new camouflage that no one ever died wearing. This is the kind of camouflage thousands of men wore as they bled to death on the beaches of France. Nice.
You look at the logo. Who is this Jacked-O-Lantern? Can you be certain about the pumpkin’s gender? You see that the cartoon pumpkin has a prominent Adam’s apple. Good sign. Even better, the pumpkin is punching an effeminate black cat. You feel a weight lift from the area enveloped by your massive ribs. There’s no ambiguity that this drink is for men.
But what does it taste like? Can this product fill the hole in your muscled upper-left-center-body? The liquid slips over your thick tongue and you taste the blend of fall spices and 27 spoonfuls of corn syrup. Corporate autumnal perfection. You would smile if you weren’t busy standing outside the convenience store and projecting an air of masculine stoicism. Finally, a pumpkin spice drink for men.
But to be safe, you still want confirmation the Jacked-O-Lantern has a dick.