KID ROCK: We all take ourselves a little too seriously.

GARY BUSEY: We can never remember whether it’s ‘discrete’ or ‘discreet.’

LOU DOBBS: We’re barely holding it together.

KENNY ROGERS: From time to time, we’ve been known to suck the marrow straight out of life in a way that can be off-putting to others.

DAVID DUKE: We’re pretty sure we’re better than the current politics.

SENATORS CORNYN, THUNE, ISAKSON, KENNEDY, and BARASSO: Everyone has a ‘John’ somewhere in their name.

RUDY GIULIANI: We definitely won that argument with the Walgreens cashier.

CHUCK NORRIS: We measure our personal growth and achievement in the tall tales we tell ourselves.

KIRK CAMERON: The volcanic wrath.

JEFF SESSIONS: We struggle not to bring up the President’s name before drinks are served at a dinner party.

TOM BRADY: We might not claw our way out of feeling like worthless, overlooked nobodies.

JERRY FALWELL, JR.: At least making money has to be fulfilling now.

SEAN HANNITY: We swear by our home remedy of letting the head lice just fight it out up there.

SARAH PALIN: Sort of miss the gun panic sales.

STEVE WYNN: Sometimes, we overcompensate and over-repair all the way back to our original position of wildly not giving a rip.

LINDSEY GRAHAM: It’s easy to forget why we’re outraged.

HULK HOGAN: We believe something is real because it’s staged.

NIKKI HALEY: We believe our CAN’T STOP THE HUSTLE tattoo looks better at a distance.

CHUCK WOOLERY: We practice our eye-roll in the mirror to use when talking about Hollywood celebrities.

BEN SASSE: We will for sure leap into action this time.

ALEX JONES: Eventually our sensitive approach must prevail.

MARCO RUBIO: We can’t bring ourselves to admit that we don’t know how to replace the toilet paper roll.

BEN CARSON: We allow ourselves to be astounded daily that we’re still here.

JOHN BOLTON: Tired of being the cute and charming one in the room.

TED NUGENT: This was supposed to be our moment.

VLADIMIR PUTIN: We can’t refrain from blabbing spoilers much longer.

NEWT GINGRICH: We’ve been counting on a collapse of public trust and order for so long, it’s almost like we’re not ready now.

SCOTT BAIO: Still waiting for someone to pinch us.

MITCH MCCONNELL: Still feeling blessed.

MIKE PENCE: Made a personal pledge to avoid politics.