Dear Sir,

Would it be presumptuous to tell you how I really feel? Share my emotions? Lay bare my belabored soul?

I agree with your smirking look of disdain and superiority entirely. You sure know how to handle yourself when dealing with sales associates. You’re absolutely right to use your stop-right-there-I-don’t-want-you-to-try-to-sell-me-anything-even-though-I-came-to-the-store-today-to-make-a-purchase “Not interested” as soon as I start to welcome you to my register.

Why? Because I NEED it.

Let’s be honest, when I tell folks I work here for “beer money” or because “it’s a refreshing change of pace” from the tedium of my 9-to-5, required-a-bachelor’s-degree-so-I-got-one-and-now-I’m-drowning-in-debt-and-need-a-second-job-to-afford-my-little-house-in-the-iffy-neighborhood-I-bought-so-for-once-I-could-feel-like-a-goddamn-adult-yet-here-I-am-laboring-in-retail-hell-with-a-bunch-of-19-year-olds desk job, I’m lying. And you, my dear customer, saw right through my facade. Really, I’m just trying to ruin your day.

I NEED your feedback, Smirking Guy, to remind me that I should be humble and stop trying to increase my paltry wages with solid sales metrics and get back to pretending I am simply an automaton ringing up your cheaper-and-more-poorly-made-version-of-a-high-end-name-brand piece of electronic equipment.

Yes, you did find the cheapest price and everyone trying to sell you something IS out to screw you. And you’re right, paying more than $40 for a piece of relatively sensitive literally-uses-lasers-and-will-undoubtedly-see-high-use-and-little-cleaning-in-an-environment-high-in-dust-and-heat-and-humidity electronics would be ridiculous. How dare I think you might want a maintenance plan so when it breaks in that I-don’t-take-care-of-my-equipment-but-this-is-still-the-store’s-fault way, you won’t need to spend another $40 to get a new one? Such foolishness!

Most importantly, thank you. Thank you for letting me know how you really feel about the information I provide to you and every other customer to this big-and-shaped-like-a-box-besides-selling-big-stuff-in-big-boxes store. It would be the height of madness for me to attempt to head off in any way the falls-just-outside-of-the-return-period call you’ll make. Thank you for saving me and my fresh-from-high-school colleagues from the I-have-no-power-to-change-this-and-it’s-really-your-own-damn-fault-for-buying-the-cheap-garbage-version-of-this-product-anyway thoughts that would have swirled through my caffeine-addled-because-working-70-hours-a-week-leaves-little-time-for-sleep brain. Thanks for keeping my ego in check.

You’re truly a lifesaver. Would you like to pay with your you’re-getting-screwed-on-the-interest-rate-but-we-give-you-points credit card today? Of course you would, because you know how to work the system.