Dear Editors of Literary Magazines,

On behalf of all my writing comrades, I’m writing to beseech you to make some minor modifications to your scheduling of rejections. Of course, I can only imagine the mountains of submissions you are perpetually buried beneath, but I ask that you remember your early days as a writer, before you forsook your writing dreams, to become a highbrow editor.

I’ve taken on the task of examining the calendar on a month-to-month basis and providing you with insights on the ideal times to schedule your rejections in order for them to have maximum impact while also being respectful of the highs and lows and further lows in a writer’s life.

Trigger Dates to Avoid:

  • Writer’s birthday
  • Birthdays of immediate family members
  • Birthdays of chosen family members
  • Anniversaries of major relationship milestones
    This includes marriage, divorce, first time, move in, move out, first fight, and first fight won.
  • Family death anniversaries
  • Death anniversaries of pets/animal companions
  • Senior prom
    Relevant for those who had memorable experiences as well as those who are still broken from never having been asked.
  • January
    Many of us are reeling from all that we didn’t accomplish by the end of last year. We are also crumbling under the weight of our lofty and unrealistic New Year’s resolutions. We may still begin the year with optimism, but not if you crush us first with your rejections.
  • February
    February is the month of St. Valentine’s. This might be our only shot at love for the year. And if we strike out on Valentine’s Day, we’re already smarting from rejection in our love life. However, we might be able to translate this pain into the next The Fault In Our Stars or The Notebook, but not if you crush us first with your rejections.
  • March
    Reject away. But please be mindful of trigger dates that fall into this month.
  • April
    Although there’s still a chill in the air and rain showers besiege us, we can smell the verdant beginnings of spring. And spring’s potential inspires us to think of our own. We’ll sit down and put pen to paper for all those ideas we incubated through the cold winter months, but not if you crush us first with your rejections.
  • May
    Springs blooms are all around us and all things seem possible as we look ahead to the summer months, which stretch beckoningly before us. This is the summer that we will complete our manuscript for the next great American novel, which we’ve outlined on a napkin, or the collection of brilliantly interlinked short stories whose links are currently missing, or our memoir that our friends implore us to “save it for the book,” as they halt us from telling our life stories at the bar, exclaiming “I don’t want you to spoil it for me.” Please let us bask in the excitement of planning the summer of our writing dreams – this only happens but once a year.
  • June
    Please hold off on all rejections during the summer of our writing dreams.
  • July
    Please hold off on all rejections during the summer of our writing dreams.
  • August
    Please hold off on all rejections during the summer of our writing dreams.
  • September
    September marks the end of the summer of our writing dreams and the moment we return to reality. Reject away.
  • October
    October is the month of transformation, when green leaves turn russet and we don masks and costumes to inhabit other identities. It is such a fertile time for the writer’s imagination, but not if you crush us first with your rejections.
  • November
    November is the month of giving thanks for all that we have been blessed with which includes our fellow writers, and you, our esteemed editors. We dwell in this moment of gratitude as we look back at the year that lies behind us, and the one that lies before us, but not if you crush us first with your rejections.
  • December
    December is not only chock-full of holidays, it is the final month of the year, the month we take stock of how insignificant our accomplishments have been and how conversely significant the number of rejections we’ve received. What’s worse, we must carry this with us to the many holiday gatherings with friends and family. I feel like I keep missing your publications? So where did that piece you were working on for six months land up? With the help of spiked eggnog we might be able to survive this season of scrutiny, but not if you crush us first with your rejections.

Thank you for taking the time to review my humbly submitted rejection modification calendar. In my small way, I hope to make rejection suck less both for the writer and the editor, but really mostly for the writer. However, I understand if you are not able to accept the changes I have suggested. After all, it won’t be my first rejection from you.

Always your literary comrade,
Kavita Das