Dear Dr. Cohen,
Thank you for my Pap smear. It was truly an enlightening experience. To answer your questions, though—no, no I have never had sex before. Yes, really. Yes, I’m a virgin. Yes, I really am. No, no I’m not Catholic. Yes, I am twenty-one. Nope. Nope. Never had sex before. I really haven’t. Really. Yes, I’m serious. Thank you, I like to think I’m attractive. Yes, I have had one boyfriend. No, no he didn’t break up with me. I broke up with him. No, no I haven’t had a boyfriend in two years. Yes, I guess that is quite a while. Yes, I do put myself out there. No, I don’t think my standards in relationships are too high. No, no I don’t think I’m too hard on boys my age.
Yes. Virgin. I’m a virgin. Virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin.