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Elizabeth “Lizzy” Finch
Inventory Manager

Phoenix Media – An ad agency filled with cool people not including Matt, my ex who used Tinder even though we said we’d be exclusive

Office: 404 Mulberry St., desk near the coffee machine where I can SEE Matt from my desk WHILE he’s using Tinder, New York, NY

Home: 355 Knickerbocker Ave #2L, Brooklyn NY (buzzer is broken so call my cell, unless you’re Matt. If you’re Matt go to hell)

Office: (212) 555-1131 — Call anytime! I always work late because I’m free & single

Cell (312) 555-9488 — Text me! I’m usually texting with potential dates

Fax: (We have one but I’m not sure how it works)

Emergency contact: Samantha (312) 555 3244 — my amazing friend who comforted me after Matt tore my heart into a million pieces

Commute: 6 train to Bleecker, which Matt never takes because he’s from Brooklyn and he rides the L train for Losers

Twitter: @LizzyBizzyNY

Sign: Scorpio, totally incompatible with Gemini (Matt)

Body type: Fit, curvy, better than Matt’s

CPR certified — I’ll save you if you’re not Matt

Prescriptions: Yaz, it’s birth control that I need became I’m having lots of sex with guys who aren’t Matt

Languages: English, some Español

Goals: Learn to play guitar, say yes more, stop checking Matt’s Facebook

Likes: ClassPass, Gone Girl, other things Matt hated

Dislikes: Mushrooms, liars, Matt

Biggest insecurity: None. I’m single and proud

Seen a dead body? Yes

Lost virginity: Age 15, backseat of minivan

Vaccinations: Meningitis, Flu, HPV

Favorite phrase: “You go girl!”

Last period: 8 days ago

Salary: $50k/year + benefits which is better than Matt’s and I know that because Samantha works in HR and she told me

Bowel movements: daily, which is more than Matt because he never eats fiber even after I bought him the special fiber capsules he specifically asked for

Bra size: B and if Matt tells you anything different he’s lying, I’ll literally show you my bra

Drink: Gin and tonics, which I never have to pay for because guys at bars buy them for me

Last time I cried: Yesterday

Biggest Secret: I still love Matt

Long-term goal: Get Matt to love me again. Matt: if you’re reading this, come back. I have your fiber pills.