7:04 AM.

Name: Pidgey

Notes: A hipster pigeon has taken roost atop one of the kitchen cabinets. On its head sits a coiffure managing the delicate balance between just-woke-up and messy chic. To the extent that a beak can even sneer, this bird sneers down at me with self-congratulatory derision. Even I can see that this is the asshole of the Pokémon world.

Status: Caught, Released

9:42 AM

Name: Bulbasaur

Notes: A scaly green wombat with the patterning of a latter-stage leper scurries across the front yard. On its back grows a stage four malignant tumor half-heartedly disguising as a garlic bulb. From its sides, a pair of writhing tentacled appendages wave around spastically. This is a fetish creature dreamt up by preadolescent turnips. Chia pet, meet Japanese tentacle porn.

Status: Caught

10:05 AM

Name: Weedle

Notes: Awaiting me on the doorstep is an oversized caterpillar with Ben Carson’s face. Its underside is constellated with grapes instead of legs, most of which do not even stand a chance of reaching the ground. Above its sleepy beady eyes grows a rather pointy spike, identical to the one protruding from its rear end. Thousands of years of predator-prey coevolution has produced nature’s most ingeniously duplicitous design: “the Buttface.”

Status: Caught

11:10 AM

Name: Pikachu

Notes: The cosseted yellow rat of classic Pokémon fame – thus far elusive in my quest to “Catch Them All” – has finally slipped up, its tail absurdly incongruous as it pokes out of some bushes on the side of the road. Evidently mangled from that one day Dwayne Johnson came to fill in for the local chiropractor, the hell-bent mishap that hangs from its posterior is a dead giveaway. Nevertheless, I will be the first to admit that the little guy is rather cute – not to mention still rather spry for someone suffering from advanced jaundice.

Status: Caught

12:51 PM

Name: Snorlax

Notes: Finally, a Pokémon that gets it: the living epitome of the unbearable ennui that characterizes life in the modern age. Despite having the mass of a cement truck, the Snorlax has the calm bearing of a yogi. Its rhythmic snoring chimes the steadfast paternoster of enlightened meditation. This is one Pokémon that truly doesn’t give a shit. One cannot help but feel humbled to be in the face of divinity.

Status: Not Caught

1:14 PM

Name: Ekans

Notes: Long before I see the ungainly purple serpent, I hear it: a faint hiss, followed by the reverberating decrees of, “Ekans! Ekans!” Like the children of parents who name them Daenerys or Leia, we can hardly blame this poor snake for the egregious reverse anagram that it is cursed to reiterate with every waking sound. After all, it knows better than anyone that daily repetition of a bad pun is oral self-flagellation to the Sisyphic degree. Better to let it be.

Status: Caught, Released

3:30 PM

Name: Squirtle

Notes: I return to my desk to see that a hysterically cheerful blue turtle with glazed-over eyes has taken residence in the office. Its ability to vomit large quantities of water at will is astounding, if not outright alarming. A little known fact is that this creature is not technically a turtle, but in actuality an alopecic armadillo. Occasional foaming at the mouth suggests that it might additionally have an untreated case of rabies. A medical wonder, to be sure.

Status: Caught

5:18 PM

Name: Jigglypuff

Notes: Like many other Pokémon, Jigglypuff suffers from the profound existential crisis in identity that afflicts those who can never quite live up to their names. For all the Hugh Jackmans in the world destined to absolve their lofty appellations with ease, we have the Jigglypuffs, who, sadly, are neither jiggly nor puffy. Yet another tragic casualty of wishful branding.

Status: Not Caught

7:32 PM

Name: Clefairy

Notes: It is well after dinner before I glimpse who I initially mistook to be Bruno Mars. Upon closer inspection, the silver-tinged pompadour and confident swagger could only belong to Clefairy, a veritable Lothario among its kind. Sex appeal: you either have it or you don’t.

Status: Caught

10:58 PM

Name: Magnemite

Notes: Born on the last day of Creation, when the Pokémon God just said, “Fuck it.” A googly eye sitting atop a magnet with a pair of loose screws. Plainly uninspired, a disappointing end to the day’s haul.

Status: Caught, Released

11:04 PM

Reflections: One cannot help but wonder, at the conclusion of today’s arduous quest, if it is in fact due to man’s hubris, that we find ourselves in this predicament. Can we, or can we not finally “Catch Them All?”