“In this world, nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes.” This famous quote is often attributed to Benjamin Franklin, a man who, I assume, famously died doing his taxes. However, many conspiracy theorists disagree with Mr. Franklin’s sentiments regarding the certainty of death. Plus, most of them don’t pay taxes, as they’re positive the government uses the money to pay Bigfoot to strongarm Edward Snowden out of the news.

Are conspiracists correct in asserting that several important individuals faked their deaths? Are we sure anyone has ever really died, or is death just a hoax used to sell coffins and have The Sixth Sense make some sort of sense? If you fake your death in The Matrix, do you fake your death in the real world? Will I reference another movie? No. Dr. No? Yes.

To possibly answer these questions, I’ll analyze the supposed false deaths of several famous figures by examining the claims of conspiracy theorists, debunkers, and then rebunking with my own maniacal ravings. This will undoubtedly determine whether or not these people truly passed on, or just passed themselves off as someone else and lived out their days incognito.

Hell, you might be one of them. Or maybe I’m one of them. Maybe both of us! Maybe You, Me and Dupree.

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Conspiracy Claim: Elvis Presley faked his death in 1977 in order to live a quiet life outside of the spotlight. He may even still be alive today.

Debunking Claim: Elvis has left the building known as life. He ain’t nothing but a hound dog. A hound dog that is dead.

Rebunking Claim: The King, the name Elvis paid us to call him, was larger than life by several inches, making it impossible for him to die. Faking his death allowed Elvis to get away from music and focus on what he did best: making ridiculous sandwiches. Everyone knows Elvis’ famously odd peanut butter, banana, and bacon sandwich creation, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg lettuce. For years, Elvis self-published bizarre sandwich cookbook after bizarre sandwich cookbook under various pseudonyms, most of which rhymed with Elvis. He passed away in 1997 after eating one of his patented roast beef, chocolate syrup, cloves, and live grenade sandwiches.

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Conspiracy Claim: Adolf Hitler did not commit suicide in 1945, rather he fled to Argentina to live out the rest of his days.

Debunking Claim: Nein, Hitler died exactly when historians believe he died. He is survived by his infamy and Michael Jordan’s occasional mustache.

Rebunking Claim: While getting destroyed in the sequel to World War I, Hitler realized his true love had always been writing. While most are under the impression that he only wrote the page-turning romp and book club favorite Mein Kampf, in Argentina Hitler combined his knowledge of military strategy and writing and became bestselling author Tom Clancy. Hitler kept his identity under wraps by always wearing sunglasses and insisting that his hard German accent and constant wearing of armbands was just a funny thing he liked to do.

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Conspiracy Claim: Renowned rapper Tupac Shakur was not murdered at the age of 25. Not only is he still alive, he’s still recording and releasing music.

Debunking Claim: Tupac is still rapping, but he’s doing it alongside Beethoven and Kurt Cobain, both of whom are dead and hate rap.

Rebunking Claim: In 1996, Tupac was shot and rushed to a hospital in critical condition. The only way to save his life was an experimental surgery that turned him into a hologram. News agencies reported Tupac as dead because reporting that he was turned into a hologram would’ve required more work and explanation, which everyone agreed they’d rather not do. At Coachella in 2012, Tupac came out as a hologram, yet sadly nobody realized that this was the true Tupac, the Truepac. Hologram Tupac is now a substitute history teacher in Wyoming.

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Conspiracy Claim: Andy Kaufman’s “death” due to lung cancer in 1984 was just another one of the comedian and performance artist’s elaborate hoaxes. Soon he’ll reappear and reveal the truth.

Debunking Claim: Kaufman took the Taxi to deadtown. He’s the Man on the Moon, a place where everything is dead.

Rebunking Claim: Kaufman wanted the hoax of his own death to be the greatest comedic performance ever. He’d lay low for many years and then announce to the world that he was still alive. Everyone would get a big laugh, his family would forgive him, and the IRS would be like “You got us good. Keep the taxes!” However, right before he was about to come clean he saw the hilarious movie Cool Runnings, which Andy deemed a far better comedic performance than his faked demise. Not wanting to have his death hoax joke described as a “lesser Cool Runnings,” Andy decided to keep his secret a secret and watched Cool Runnings until he happily died.

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Conspiracy Claim: Harambe, the gorilla supposedly shot and killed at the Cincinnati Zoo, is actually still alive. He pretended to die in order to teach parents to be more mindful of their children. He now lives in Wyoming with Hologram Tupac.

Debunking Claim: Wait, what?

Rebunking Claim: Wait, what?