1. Iced coffee is on your car insurance.
2. You’ve met iced coffee’s dad, who’s nice, and iced coffee’s mom, who can be a real jackass.
3. You and iced coffee went to Six Flags on Memorial Day and made out in the line for Mr. Freeze.
4. Iced coffee sleeps in your bed with you at night.
5. If iced coffee died, you’d probably get at least half of iced coffee’s estate.
6. You kind of want kids, but iced coffee had a rough childhood and isn’t ready to have those sorts of discussions yet, which is fair, you guess, but sometimes you wonder if iced coffee is really just afraid of the commitment being a parent would entail.
7. You managed to get over your own insecurities and forgive iced coffee for that time last year when it got wasted and made out with Dana.
8. You don’t want to be this clichéd, but “Call Me” by Al Green is your and iced coffee’s song.
9. Sometimes when you’re hung over you accidentally use iced coffee’s deodorant instead of yours.
10. You love iced coffee, but you wish iced coffee would clean up its shit once in a while, for chrissakes.
11. You often have sex with iced coffee.
12. If iced coffee got a new job in Buffalo or somewhere, you’d move out there with iced coffee, probably.
13. It bugs you that iced coffee thinks it’s so smart just because it went to Dartmouth, but neither of iced coffee’s parents went to college so you know you should try to be forgiving.
14. You can’t stand superhero movies, but iced coffee’s been looking forward to Captain America: Civil War for a long time now, so you’re gonna just have to suck it up and see it with iced coffee. Iced coffee knows you’re not too into it, so it promised that you two could go see The Lobster next weekend if it’s still in theaters.
15. You know you need to eventually, but you’ve been putting off proposing to iced coffee for months.
16. Sometimes… you’ve said you love iced coffee, and you’ve meant it (or maybe you just thought you meant it?). But today, and a whole lot of days before today, you find yourself looking into iced coffee’s eyes, and you can’t help but think that that one line from Annie Hall was dead-on: love fades. Fuck. It does, doesn’t it? Love fades, and we can’t do a goddamn thing to make it come back. At night, when you’re trying to sleep, you’ll remember when you and iced coffee got caught in that rainstorm in New Orleans and had to hide in a church, and something about the thunder and battering wind just made the whole moment so goddamn perfect, and you and iced coffee laughed about it. You’ll remember the first time you and iced coffee went to Lake Michigan, and iced coffee taught you to swim. You’ll remember your first night together with iced coffee. And you’ll cry, because love fades, doesn’t it?
17. Iced coffee is in your Facebook profile picture, which is you and iced coffee in matching Halloween costumes.