1. Are you sexually active?
2. Are you on birth control?
3. Do you use condoms?
4. Do you have an IUD?
5. …Wait, and you’re not on birth control?
6. Oh, so you’re pregnant?
7. How do you know you’re not pregnant? Give me three reasons. One must be an extended metaphor.
8. Okay, wait. I thought you said you’re sexually active?
9. This is a mystery. Quite a mystery—let me put on my mystery-solving hat. There we go. Am I pulling this off?
10. Well, that’s just your opinion. Are you incapable of reproduction? I would say ‘barren’ but that seems harsh. Well, now I’ve said it anyway. Are you barren?
11. Do you ever have pregnancy dreams?
12. What other kinds of anxiety dreams do you have?
13. I have just a few more questions to ensure an exhaustive examination of your sexual health. Ketchup or mustard?
14. Beer or wine?
15. Sign this HIPAA form. Mary-Kate or Ashley?
16. Do you have any special antibodies that… how do I say this… zap sperm? That’s the medical terminology, I hope you can decipher its meaning.
17. Cats or dogs?
18. Mountains or ocean? For a white-collar prison, I mean.
19. Are you a human woman?
20. Only answer the question asked, please. I am a doctor. Do you understand?
21. Thank you. Do you have xx chromosomes?
22. Do you have a working uterus?
23. But have you seen your working uterus? With your own two eyes?
24. Okay. So show me your uterus. You know what, never mind. Ovaries?
25. Fallopian tubes?
28. Mystical abilities that make you impervious to pregnancy if you so desire?
29. Argh, really thought I’d catch you there. If you were an animal, what animal would you be?
30. No, no—not what you would want to be, but the animal you embody.
31. Please do not laugh, I went to Cornell. Soup or salad?
32. New York or LA? Those are your only choices.
33. I’m going to swing by CVS. Do you want me to pick anything up for you?
34. Okay, I’m back. Swedish Fish?
35. How sexually active are you?
36. No, I mean, in what ways are you sexually active? You know what, don’t answer that. Feels inappropriate and irrelevant. What’s your zodiac sign?
37. Do you think I, your new physician, would make a good detective? Be honest.
38. But would I at least look cool holding a gun? Not that guns are cool. Guns are bad. But… how would I look with a gun?
39. This is all part of the medical process, I assure you. Fishsticks or corndogs?
40. Tell me everything about your most recent lover except any details regarding gender or sexual organs.
41. Have you ever awoken with a large, Frankenstein-esque scar across your lower abdomen?
42. Are you sure? Do me a favor and double-check for me.
43. Nothing? Hmm. Coke or Pepsi? If you have taken the Pepsi Challenge in the past, please refer to your answer at that time.
44. Have you ever angered a gypsy enough to warrant a curse?
45. What about a witch?
46. I’m going to check “maybe” there. You never know. Mornings or evenings?
47. Would you rather have teeth for pubes or pubes for teeth?
48. Did you misinterpret what I meant by “sexually active”? There isn’t any real definition, so there’s a very good chance you did.
49. I’m going to go out on a limb here. I hate to do this, but we’ve exhausted all reasonable ways in which you’ve successfully evaded pregnancy. I’m going to have to get gross and raw and personal and upfront, but I just don’t see any way around it. Are you… sexually active… in a homosexual manner?
50. Ah! Right, OK. That’s excellent, really excellent. I have a rainbow sticker on my office door. Let’s take your vitals, shall we?