Dynamic young couple seeks laid back duo to diversify our growing portfolio of social assets. Benefits include rides to the airport with future potential for assistance moving furniture. This is a full-time position.
Both applicants must be between 28 and 35 years old. They should be young enough that we can make plans without an explanation of how to send a group text, or what Uber is, but old enough that we can complain about millennials together. If candidates are younger than 28, they should be incredibly mature and regularly comment on our wisdom and youthful skin. If they are older than 35, they should be independently wealthy and always insist on paying the check.
If candidates have offspring, they should be adorable and always dressed in either a sailor’s costume or a princess dress. Offspring should be self-motivated, be able to play independently, and interrupt only when adult conversation veers into uninteresting territory, such as the preferred color of your new kitchen cabinets. Offspring should be proficient in greeting adult guests at the door and offering them an array of appealing alcoholic beverages. If offspring are developmentally unable to complete these tasks in a satisfactory manner, candidates should begin training them immediately. The ideal applicant will not be offended when we equate their parenting experiences with our experience as dog owners.
Strong preference will be given to candidates who excel at cooking. Applicants should be experienced in hosting dinner parties, and should demonstrate a consistent record of having food ready when guests arrive. Qualified candidates will be totally okay with guests raiding their pantry for supplemental snacks, even if they have been sufficiently fed and are completely sober. Applicants who think that 5:00 PM is too early for dinner need not apply.
Applicants should enjoy the outdoors, unless it is raining, in which case, they should enjoy Netflix documentaries about urban professionals who compete in high stakes chicken breeding competitions on weekends. Candidates should enjoy hiking until we are tired, and should have experience carrying our packs, setting up our tents, and resolving our marital disputes about trail directions.
Additionally, interested parties should enjoy going to see a film or play and engaging in deep philosophical conversation about its aesthetic merit and moral ambiguity and how it’s a shame that more adults don’t attend matinee showings of Ice Age 6.
Interested couples should talk a big game about gender equality, but — if heterosexual — the woman should enjoy red wine and book clubs and the man should enjoy watching football in awkward silence. Both partners should enjoy looking at pictures of our dog.
Qualified couples should have achieved roughly the same level of education as us, but at slightly inferior institutions so that we can engage in good-natured teasing. Professionally, they should have jobs that enable them to take vacations when it is convenient for us. Applicants should be physically attractive, but not so attractive that it creates jealousy or awkward sexual tension.
Ideal candidate lives within walking distance of our apartment and is willing to relocate if necessary. Some travel may be required, as we do not like to leave the apartment when the weather is bad or average.
If interested, please send resume, cover letter, and a letter of recommendation written by a current couple friend. We are an equal opportunity friendship provider, and we not discriminate based on race, religion, or sexual orientation. However, we reserve the right to reject applicants who plan social activities that begin after 9 PM.