Are you a total rock star when it comes to social media? Could you write content in your sleep? Are you willing to die in your place of employment? Then Hybleeys is looking for you!
Hybleeys is a group of dynamic social media professionals working in the B2B startup space, and we love using our extreme over-dedication to ultimately meaningless work as an excuse to leave our personal problems completely unexamined. We’re looking for a new team member to join us in our swanky downtown office and turn into a husk of their former selves, rotting on the inside until they collapse in on themselves like a Florida sinkhole.
The ideal candidate loves B2B social media more than they have ever loved a human being and has a “whatever it takes” work attitude that we will take such perverse advantage of, you’ll wonder if you’re in an office-themed horror movie.
Are you able to work through stomach cramps, headaches, and carpal tunnel to “do it for the gram”? Do you think it’s totally OK for a job to wake you up at 3:30 in the morning because we have a Facebook post we want to make RIGHT NOW? Would you ignore obvious signs of a stroke to make sure that Snapchat is juuuuuuuust right? (Bonus points if you’ve been training yourself to type with your right hand in case the left side of your body goes numb.) Then you’re the person we’re looking for!
- have 3-5 years of relevant experience, but haven’t been totally sucked dry.
- are a self-starter who’s ready to be eaten alive with desperation as you try to understand the changing, fickle whims of what people want online.
- are serious about spelling and grammar. If your tweet has a typo, you have a tiny guillotine next to your desk to chop off one of your fingers. (We can provide a guillotine if you usually use a knife!)
- are willing to, if we develop the technology, have your consciousness uploaded onto the cloud so you can make social media content 24/7 while we use the now-useless shell of your body to fuel our servers.
- live and breathe internet culture, and love viral content and being dehumanized.
- Work with a group of hip self-starters who will slowly convince you that this is all there is to reality.
- Free craft beer in the fridge! You’ll need it. ;)
- In-office FyrePod: The plush, light-blocking pod is the perfect place for an in-office power nap so you can refresh and get “fyred” up to create more content. Plus, if the Pod detects that your vital signs have stopped, it will cremate you and spit your ashes into one of four fun urns (you’ll select your urn on your first day — or you’re welcome to bring your own!!).
- Group discount on funerals for work-related deaths.
If all of this sounds great to you — or, more likely, if you’re so desperate for a job vaguely related to your passion that you’re willing to lie your way into this literal hellhole — send us an email with your resume, a cover letter, and three relevant samples. Put I PLEDGE MY FLESH BODY TO CONTENT in the subject line so we know you read the whole post. ;)