Hi. I’m a young American. If you’re like me, you care about locally sourced produce and environmental sustainability. That’s why I bike to work, ferment my own cabbage, and only use organic coffee beans in my cold brew.
The last thing I ever thought I wanted in my life was coal, or a coal-powered mobile electricity generator.
But then some friends introduced me to small-batch electricity. It’s fresh, all-natural, and American-made. With my hand-smelted Kentucky coal engine, I can burn coal at home and get electricity straight from the source. No more currents passing through miles of dirty power lines. No more dealing with big corporate middle-men at the power utilities. No more synthetic electricity from far-away nuclear reactors or petroleum-based solar panels.
Every watt of coal electricity has its own unique flavor, because every chunk of coal is a little bit different. Commodity energy just isn’t the same.
Sometimes I have friends over for my signature kimchi tacos, and they ask me: “Did you prepare these tacos with industrial, factory-made electrical current?” I tell them: no, all of my cooking uses raw, organic coal. Straight from the source.
And if you taste something a little special in that prohibition-era cocktail I gave you, it’s probably the ice.
That’s right. My ice-box runs on coal.
At the end of a long day, I like sitting back with a mason jar of kombucha, turning on my electric fan, and listening to some vinyl. Knowing that the electricity powering my turntable is the same electricity that my grandparents and their grandparents used makes me feel like I’m part of a tradition. Sometimes, I pour a few fingers of line-caught whale oil onto my coal heap for a special twist. It really hits the spot.
Think about it. If you wouldn’t eat genetically modified vegetables or factory farmed eggs, why settle for mass-produced electricity?
Plus, artisanal coal is just right for my mobile lifestyle. When I turn on my slow-cooker in the morning to braise some grass-fed beef, I know I can leave my coal engine running and not have to worry about losing power in a blackout.
The freshness is guaranteed.
I know what you’re thinking: Where will I find enough anthracite to run my mobile coal engine? Isn’t all of America’s coal still trapped in mountains?
Not any more. Thanks to recent reforms, coal must now be harvested and burned at a fixed daily rate across the United States. Regardless of market demand, we can now be sure that future generations of Americans will spend their lives in underground coal mines.
That’s because of freedom.
And for anyone who still thinks coal power means dealing with messy slurry, I have two words for you: think again. The days of pipe maintenance and explosive coal dust are long gone. This is the age of clean, hand-delivered coal. Every morning and afternoon, I get a new shipment of coal from my authorized anthracite distributor.
My delivery boy is named Whitney. He’s a former chimneysweep, and he’s my friend.
Sometimes when I’m sitting at my typewriter, eating ramps, a stranger will ask me if I’m worried about getting a respiratory disease from burning so much coal. I tell them not to worry. Scientists have found that diseases are hard to predict, and are often not as painful as you would think.
So let’s work toward putting an artisanal coal engine in every American home. No family should have to rely on overly processed electricity from suspicious, untested sources like windmills and Danish garbage.
I’m proud that my electricity comes from 100% freshly harvested, organic American coal, and you should be too.