Ribbon Cutting Ceremony for a Luxury
Condominium Building in Palo Alto
Thank you for gathering here at the site of a what will be a state-of-the-art condo building: Muwekma Gardens. See what we did there? We took an Indigenous name and put “Gardens” after it. It’s called whitewashing, and we in the real estate business are obsessed with it. But I should point out this land was once occupied by the Muwekma back in the day. So this 200-unit building is absolutely a shoutout to them. They would have loved the teakwood kitchen cabinets. Speaking of organic, there’s a Whole Foods in the basement, so you don’t even have to go outside to get your Veganic Sprouted Ancient Maize Flakes. If that isn’t the 21st-century version of living off the land, I don’t know what is! Now that the vibes are good let’s cut this ribbon and sign some contracts. One-bedrooms start at one million dollars.
MTV’s Spring Break
What’s up, all?! I’m Jake Paul, your guest VJ for the week. Before we begin blasting water on everyone participating in the wet T-shirt and wet briefs contest, MTV wants to take a moment to honor the Indigenous Tocobaga people. I guess they lived in Tampa, Florida, way back before we built this stage here where Pitbull will perform. I can say for certain we’re honoring their past by enjoying nature, by which I mean we are for sure experimenting with whippets while outdoors. I bet they would appreciate that we are doing our best to keep nature sexy. Like, as our skin gets tanner this week, let us embrace our less white appearance and use it as a chance to understand the plight of the Tocobaga. Okay, Henry, go ahead and turn on the hoses.
The U.S. Capitol Building on January 6, 2021
Hello, fellow off-duty police officers. Before we storm this government building, I want to do a land acknowledgment because I watched Last of the Mohicans last night to get amped for today. Apparently, the Nacotchtank lived here in D.C. before we did. I think it’s important to mention that not long after they left, my family arrived, and we’ve been here for almost 25 years. So we’re basically indigenous to this land too. Let’s have a moment of silence for all oppressed people who have lived here, like my grandma and grandpa and the Nacotchtank. Okay, the security guards are waving us in — let’s do this!
An Improv Show in a Manhattan Bar Basement
Hey, we’re the NFTacos and thank you for coming to our show tonight. Before we kick things off by asking you for a one-word suggestion, we want to take a moment to remember that we’re on Lenape land. Manhattan was bought from the Lenape people for $24 worth of trinkets, but let’s be honest, it was stolen. And you know what’s also a steal? Seeing our improv group made up of eight white guys and one white woman for the low price of five bucks. If there’s one thing we know about Indigenous people, it’s that they are storytellers, and what is improv if not telling stories? And who better to tell those stories than six Finance majors and two Business majors from Duke? Now, can we get a one-word suggestion based on the last time you high-fived a cop?
Season Opening Game for the Washington Football Team
Good evening, Football Team and Football Team audience. We apologize for starting thirty minutes late. You would think the protestors outside the stadium would have heard by now that we changed the team name to something completely normal and not at all weird? I don’t understand what their deal is. Anyway, one of my good friends was at the coup last week, and he said they did a land acknowledgment, and I think that’s such an awesome performative gesture of allyship. So I’m gonna do one now. Huge shoutout to the Indigenous Nacotchtank people. It only makes sense that we honor those warriors with our modern-day warriors: the Washington Football Team players. Please stop by our gift shop during halftime. Twenty percent of the proceeds will be donated to the NRA.