Dear Patrons of Brews For All,
You’re probably aware of the bad press we received this week. We got a call from a would-be customer the other night asking if we were wheelchair accessible, and we let her know that she had the wrong number for the AARP before hanging up on her. She called back and explained that apparently, young people also use wheelchairs? We pride ourselves on being a progressive and inclusive environment, so to avoid a potential lawsuit, we made our brewery the bare minimum of accessible. Here’s what our hot, young wheelchair-using patrons can expect moving forward.
When you show up, challenge yourself by parallel parking in the accessible parking spot along the busy road. If you drove yourself here, you’ll get to open your door into oncoming traffic. If you carpooled with friends (so inspiring that you even have friends), we hope they’re top-notch parallel parkers who can get you close enough to the curb that you don’t have to straddle the abyss between the passenger’s seat and the curbside.
Upon arriving, simply find our phone number online, give us a call, and someone will be out shortly to lead you to our new accessible entrance. You will then be guided around the side of the building and past our dumpster to our plywood, non-ADA compliant ramp. (We spent a lot of money remodeling this gentrified industrial building to look rustic chic, so we can’t just ruin the aesthetic of a converted beef slaughterhouse by putting a ramp in front of the building.)
The door to get inside is quite heavy, but since you’re already being escorted, we’re sure the host will open it for you. Then you will be given a brief tour through our kitchen (watch out for those knives). From there, you’ll get to bob and weave through a crowded room of butts to find your way to the bar where you will be given a tap list. We serve small-batch beers crafted by the most socially conscious brewers in town. In addition, to celebrate #mancrushmonday, #nonbinarybabetuesday, and #womancrushwednesday, we offer half-price drinks to those who identify with the appropriate hashtag.
If you wind up having more than one pint and need to pee, keep in mind that this is a historic building. To update the space, we added a bar, replaced all the floors, and had to bring electrical and plumbing to code. However, we decided to keep the ridiculous split level layout the same as it was in the 1870s — we felt it culturally important to do so. Anyway, the restroom is up two steep, oddly-spaced stairs. There’s only one stall, so you might have to wait a bit, but we’re guessing that will be nothing new for you.
After some brews, how about trying some vegetarian nachos or a wood-fired pizza? You’ll have to order at the bar, but we’ll be sure to keep the music at a level where we will get your order at least half right if you yell as loudly as you can at the staff. Once you place your order, feel free to choose a seat at any of our tables. For a modern look, all tables are bar height. Although your party will only be able to see your eyes across the table, it will be easier for you to shovel our delicious, locally sourced, non-GMO meals into your face. By the way, how clever of you to bring your own chair. You really know how to come prepared.
We sure hope you appreciate these reasonable accommodations that we’ve made so that you too can participate in normal, everyday life.
— Brews For All