The Root Chakra

Begin with some deep breathing. Bring your attention to a warm light traveling up your spine. That light is dread. Sit with that for a moment. But not a literal moment since you are already late for your first day back.

The Third Eye Chakra

Concentrate on creating an actual third eye. Now concentrate on moving it to the back of your head. You will need it there when you realize you got Kevin again in your class. You should have just passed him the first time.

The Solar Plexus Chakra

Located above your belly button, this energy center governs confidence, self-esteem, and holds the harness for your new teacher required concealed weapon. Shock this chakra open by basically chanting any — seriously, any — of Betsy Devos’s school policies three times.

The Sacral Chakra

Class size will increase week three for norming. This is when the first year teacher will quit and you take on all her students. Awaken your sacral chakra by having all students sit on the floor cross-legged since you don’t have room for 50 desks.

The Throat Chakra

Start by clearing your throat. Softly at first. Just so the back row knows they need to pay attention. Now a little louder. Just so the middle row knows they need to pay attention. Now just go ahead and shout. Just so someone in this GODDAMN room pays attention. Now that you are completely hoarse, open the throat chakra with the power of Halls cough drops.

The Crown Chakra

Known for balancing emotions, the crown chakra is located on the top of your head. You can awaken yours by balancing all the essays that need grading on there. Not all of them will fit in your free Houghton Mifflin Textbook company tote that you got for Teacher Appreciation Week.

The Heart Chakra

Let’s be honest, this one is already awakened. Even though everyone knows teachers are just in it for the massive salaries.