Now that you are a pilot, you should talk like a pilot. Whether you’ve just completed an amateur training course, or are a seasoned pilot with poor vocabulary, this guide is intended to provide you with the minimum of expressions required to communicate effectively with fellow pilots, like yourself.

Keep this guide close at hand. Perhaps in a pocket, or attached to a chain. Chain is no longer chain. Chain is loop. The door of your plane is the hatch. The chain suspending your opened hatch is the hatch-loop. The door-handle of your hatch is not called a “hatch-handle.” It is a skib. Amateur pilots refer to skibs as hatch-handles, and are laughed at. If your skib were gilt in brass, it’d still be a skib.

The front of your plane is the nose. The back is the tail. Stand facing forward in your plane. Your right-hand side is your starboard side. Your left-hand side is your port. If you are facing rear, your starboard side is your left-hand side, and your port-side is to your right.

Your steering wheel is your grip. The controls are contols. The windshield is the face. The windshield-wipers are Carlos and Hernando. If your plane has a water-fountain, it is a scuttlebutt. Seasoned pilots will refer to a gossip as a Scuttlebutt. “Tom’s wife is a Scuttlebutt.” You are not a seasoned pilot.

The upstairs of your plane is up-top. Downstairs is down-below. The floor is the gangway. The bathroom is the lavatory. Do not call the lavatory the head. Head is sailor-speak. A sailor is a filthy animal, with cloven hooves and Trichinosis. To greet a fellow pilot, say “Hello on the Virgin Princess.” If you cannot make out the name of his plane, say “Hello aboard the Jackal.” Pull down your grip so the nose of your plane points high. If you know how to execute spins and dives, you may wish to execute spins and dives. Spins and dives tell your fellow pilot: Hello, is not today a capital day, for flying?