Marching in the Streets Clogs Pores
2018 has been a landmark year for protests, but most women don’t realize the hidden dangers of exposing their skin to urban elements. Dr. Mark Dirkly, clinical instructor of dermatology at the Bannon Institute of Beauty, warns against the unsightly perils of hitting the pavement with thousands of other activists.
“The combination of pollution and toxins emitted by large groups of women is absolutely devastating to skin-care health,” Dr. Dirkly confirms. “The greatest gift a woman can give to her skin is to stay at home and drink plenty of water.”
Pro-tip: Cooking, and the steam it generates, opens and cleanses the pores.
Why Calling Your Congressional Representative Causes Premature Ageing
Though they’re called laugh lines, those pesky, noticeable creases at either side of the mouth are no laughing matter. And the primary cause isn’t what you think.
“Most people believe stress and aging cause wrinkles,” says Dr. Mark Dirkly, a pioneer in nasolabial research, “but in the case of laugh lines, it’s actually talking to congressional representatives.”
Dr. Dirkly compared the laugh lines of women who regularly called their representatives to advocate for reproductive rights with those of women who never made such calls. The results were dramatic. The women in the “non-call” group looked twenty years younger. These calls actually accelerated the breakdown of youthful collagen, according to science.
Pro-tip: “Instead of making that call,” prescribes Dr. Dirkly, “combine a teaspoon of coconut oil and brown sugar and massage it into the skin. This luxurious elixir stimulates the lymphatic and nervous systems, so you’ll be more relaxed and pleasant to be around. Talking less also helps.”
Did You Know? Town Hall Attendance Leads to Weight Gain
Most 21st-century folk don’t realize that our bodies are designed to be constantly active. As hunter-gatherers, homo sapiens were always on the move and we aren’t designed to sit down in chairs at town hall meetings. In fact, town hall meetings can lead to a host of problems, including chronic back pain, cankles and weight gain, cautions Svelte Like Svengali author Dr. Mark Dirkly.
“Town hall meetings destroy the metabolism and neutralize the body’s ability to burn energy effectively,” explains Dr. Dirkly. “Don’t let yourself get caught in this modern lifestyle trap.”
Pro-tip: If you happen to find yourself in a town hall meeting, leave immediately. “Go shopping for a game-changing accessory,” advises Dr. Dirkly, “or for some fun, flirty make-up. That’ll get your legs moving.”
Your Instinct is Right — Complaining About Politics Will Alienate Him
The course of true love never did run smooth, and that’s never been truer than today. Countless couples suffer from relationship woes, and the source of the strife is usually women.
“Complaining about politics,” confirms dating coach and senior matchmaker Dr. Mark Dirkly, “is the number one relationship killer in 2018.”
When women critique politicians, most men feel drained and unloved. “The purpose of finding love in this chaotic world is to soothe one another,” Dr. Dirkly reminds us, “not rile each other up with divisive subjects.”
Pro-tip: Dr. Dirkly divulges that women who stop talking about politics report experiencing longer, more satisfying orgasms.
The Link Between Depression and Voting
Everyone deserves to be happy. But what if the physical act of voting is a risk factor in developing depression?
“It’s intuitive that standing in line for long periods of time would be demoralizing,” affirms Happiness Consultant Dr. Mark Dirkly. “When women vote, it’s almost like they’re pressing a depression button.”
Pro-tip: Dr. Dirkly recommends getting a new hairstyle, or eating a goji berry frozen yogurt instead of voting. “Time is precious,” he counsels. “By maximizing each moment, we can reach our happiness potential.”
Protest Causes Death
Despite a landmark study linking activism and clogged pores, some women persist in political engagement. But that tendency may soon change thanks to the publication of a new alarming study, Fatal Mortality Among Women Activists, Dr. Mark Dirkly et al, Journal of Breitbart Studies (April 2018).
“Women who cease political activity live longer,” says Dr. Dirkly. “So I hope we’ll see this dangerous trend end once and for all.”
Pro-tip: Women who resist activism are also more likely to be happier, keep their boyfriends and lose weight, Dr. Dirkly reveals. They’ll also have longer orgasms.