The Desperado: They get a dreamy look in their eyes, then, before you know it, swoop in quick as a bandit and shove their tongue down your throat.
The Zombie: Their lips are stiff and dead, and you want to whisper, “Pucker up, you lifeless weirdo,” but you can feel yourself become infected, the passion slowly draining.
The Lollipopper: They suck on your tongue like a child sucking on a Tootsie Pop. You want to say, “Hey, that’s bad, stop that,” but you can’t speak, because your tongue is vacuum-locked in their death grip.
The Kubrick: Toward the end of a long, intense make-out, you realize their eyes are open—and you get the creeping sense they’ve been open the whole time.
The Escher: You try to get solid contact, but the angles are just wrong. Their head is strangely tilted, and their lips don’t obey the laws of Euclidean geometry. Nothing makes sense.
The Missing Tongue: You kiss open-mouthed, but their tongue isn’t there. You search for it like a rescuer trying to find a lost hiker in the Alps. You wonder if it’s hiding somewhere, retracted into a secret chamber.
The Mmmmm Yum Yum: They make extremely loud and distracting “mmmm yummy” noises that remind you of a hungry guy devouring spaghetti and meatballs.
The Duck: They peck you four times on the lips, then they lean back and stare at you like they want some bread.
The Lizard: They rapidly flick their tongue in and out of your mouth like they’re trying to catch a fly. Then they pull their head back and scurry across the sofa and out of the room.
The Transylvanian: Their seductive nibbles turn into full-on bites. Then, in a thick but commanding Romanian accent you hadn’t noticed before, they say, “Turn off the lights.”
The Aggressive Dentist: They perform an invasive, one-by-one inspection of your molars, canines, and primary teeth, then text you an invoice the next day.
The Abyss: Before the kiss, their mouth opens in a wide mechanical swoop, like a puppet’s. Their mouth-hole is too big, and you fear they will literally swallow your head.
The Vehicular Manslaughter: They want to kiss while they drive in a residential zone!?
The Wes Anderson: They kiss you while playing a ukulele. Just as things start to heat up, they pull away and give you a handwritten note that says, “I have never had sex.”
The Lynch: Halfway through the kiss, they call you by the wrong name.
The Days of Our Lives: They lean in slowly and sensually, French kissing you first softly, then more urgently. Just as the intensity builds to a crescendo, their lips stiffen, and you feel a hot tear roll down their cheek and onto yours. They whisper, “I don’t love you anymore.” Then they lean in and do it all over again.