Thanks again team for taking time out of a busy Friday to get together for the quarterly review. I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m starving! Having you all watch me drone through an endless parade of sales slides sure does work up an appetite. Before we dig into this prematurely set out buffet, I’d like to take a moment to repeat everything already mentioned in this presentation.

Did I mention our new priority to shift from emerging markets to focus more on adaptive capacity? I did? Twice? Excellent. I’ll repeat it again, only this time with uninterpretable MBA jargon like “strategic brand synergy” and “structural technology convergence.” By now all interest in what that even means is long gone, along with half of the ice on the beverage cart. On the subject of beverages, let’s heave out some forced laughter for the diet soda joke I’m about to throw at Diane. Fun fact about Diane, everyone: she has diabetes.

Let’s revisit these earnings graphs for a third time, partially due to how proud I am of the numbers, but also because the potato salad hasn’t sat unrefrigerated long enough. It’s not every day our net profits peak the two million mark! And botulism spores need at least an hour at room temperature before they’ll colonize the mayonnaise. Could you reverse the presentation 40 slides, but do it one at a time? Great. At this point, looking at these pie charts for a fourth time is the mental equivalent of drinking our urine, but I’d like to give the office sycophants a chance to grab for relevance.

Speak of the devil! Dennis, you have an irrelevant question? I’d be happy to answer it in the most roundabout way possible. I’ll start by asking you to repeat it, misinterpreting your wording, then belaboring the point until the buns on those barbecue sliders become soggy enough to lose their integrity.

And speaking of lost integrity, all revenue gained from these recent sales will suspiciously disappear after management takes more than its share, not unlike like the chocolate chip cookies next to the chip basket. The income generated here will in no way improve office conditions or performance expectations. Your limited budgets will remain stagnate – as stagnate as that Brunswick stew that’s visibly striated after not being stirred for two hours.

Whoa there, Mike! Do I need to bring baggies of Cheerios to the next quarterly review? Unless you brought enough granola bars for everyone, let’s hold off a minute. Here’s a comment about how snacking during meetings is unprofessional, darkly peppered with hints that premature attempts at my potty training warped me into a pushy adult who associates others’ obedience with self-worth. Or maybe I just hate my dad. Who knows? Bottom line is nothing pleases me more than pressuring a room of grown adults to suffer solely because I can. So let’s put that Clif bar away for now, alright Mike? Thanks.

Alright then, who else is ready to eat? Good. But before we break for lunch, let me repeat everything already said at this meeting at least twice.