Worthy apprentice, you have learned how to harness the virtues of a true warrior. Yet, your training requires one final task to be completed before your father’s murder may be avenged. You must leave a positive Yelp review of my secret dojo, because right now our rating blows.

As you’re well aware, the contemporary market is vastly consumer driven, and brand reputation can make or break a private business. I totally understand that you have pressing matters at hand to seek revenge and what not, but this dojo has been unfairly ripped apart online. Since I spent three years teaching you the Ways of the Dragon, it would be greatly appreciated if you could reciprocate that in the form of a five-star Yelp review. I’m not trying to come off as insensitive about your situation. I want you to seek immediate revenge and all that, but I’m really in a bind here. Signing up and leaving a review shouldn’t take more than a few minutes.

At the moment, our dojo of utmost secrecy only has a mere three-star rating on our Yelp page. Our poor online presence has really put a damper on business. It’s embarrassing. I’ve been a mystical karate master for centuries and these consumer-feedback websites are unraveling all the work I’ve done. Currently, the YMCA Martial Arts Center of Rancho Cucamonga has a higher rating than us.

Countless warriors have made their way through our sacred walls, yet seemingly very few have recommended their friends. One previous student of mine, who has shown great dishonor to his master, left a particularly nasty review. “The ambiance was a little stark and unwelcoming. Even the décor was outdated and tacky.” It’s like, I’m sorry, but this remote dojo was built and preserved by my family for many generations. If you don’t like it, you can go train to be an ultimate warrior somewhere else.

Look, I get it. Our dojo is located at the highest peak of Mount Hotakadake and it really isn’t a fun climb. Obviously, that’s intentional. We’re not just handing out free tickets to learn how to harness the elements of nature and catch arrows with your bare hands. Correct me if I’m wrong here, but our secret dojo is probably one of the only institutions on earth where you can master the art of throwing stars. Maybe the whole sleeping for a few days out in the snow to be “one with nature” thing can be reeled back a little, but I stand firmly by our curriculum.

We need to change this negative trend and rebuild a welcoming environment for potential new clients. We’ve had a handful of alumni go on to avenge their loved ones. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for them to pop online and boost our rating with some positive feedback. It just hurts my feelings. I spend all this time teaching them how to use the Flying Dagger Kick and now they’re above helping their master?

You get the point. It’s just been really lonely up here lately. If you just take a few extra minutes to leave a positive review, I’ll let you keep the Forbidden Nunchucks. After that, you should really begin your descent down the mountain. Because your father’s killer probably has a sizable head start on you by now. Trust me, this mountain takes forever to get off of.