[BETTY and SUE — a new breed of pragmatic, post-Bernie Biden supporters — sit at a Biden 2020 campaign booth on a sidewalk. They talk to each other while urging passersby to vote Biden.]
BETTY: Ugh, I hate him.
SUE: He’s a warmonger.
BETTY: A one-percenter.
SUE: An establishment sweetheart.
BETTY: An old-money asshole.
SUE: An oil and gas hole.
BETTY: Hate him.
SUE: Can’t stand him.
BETTY: He’s the fucking worst.
SUE: He’s the second fucking worst.
BOTH (to a passerby): Biden sucks, vote Biden!
BETTY (to SUE): I met a guy at the airport who had Warren as a law professor. Said he’s never met a sharper mind.
SUE: My cousin joined a human chain with Bernie and sang “This Land Is Your Land” with Navajo protestors outside a fracking facility.
BETTY: At the volunteer meet and greet, Biden bragged that he hasn’t used a segregated water fountain since the ’60s.
SUE: I shared some M&Ms with him and he licked the chocolate off my fingers. I think he couldn’t tell our hands apart.
BETTY: He’s a dinosaur.
SUE: And brains don’t fossilize well.
BOTH (to a passerby): Biden sucks, vote Biden!
BETTY (to SUE): If this is what it takes to get Trump out, so be it.
SUE: Root canals are bad, but tooth decay is worse.
BETTY: We’ll be weak.
SUE: We’ll nauseous.
BETTY: We’ll have a ringing in our ears for days.
SUE: We’ll forget we posted TikTok dances while on painkillers.
BETTY: What about after we elect him?
SUE: We saw that movie back in 2000.
BETTY: Instead of policy, just fist bumps and smiles.
SUE: And the sequel in 2004.
BETTY: Maybe he’ll pick a strong running mate that’ll pull his strings.
SUE: I tell ya, we’ve already seen this movie!
BETTY: A benevolent Cheney.
SUE: We deserve more than a little good Dick.
BOTH (to DOUG as he walks by): Biden sucks, vote Biden!
DOUG (to BETTY and SUE): Hey, fuck Joe Biden. That guy’s the fucking worst!
SUE: The second fucking worst.
DOUG: He’s the human equivalent of steamed rice.
BETTY: We know.
DOUG: In 2008, I was so excited on election day that I woke up before the alarm and skipped my coffee. I never gave a shit about politics or patriotism or any of that, and on Inauguration Day I accidentally saluted a pigeon cuz I thought it was a bald eagle. You think your boy Biden is gonna make people do any of that?
SUE: Nope, he sucks. His lawn signs have more personality than he does.
BETTY: He totally sucks. He’s like raw tofu fucked plain yogurt.
SUE: So what do you say? Do we have your vote?
DOUG (pauses then sighs): Yeah, alright.
[DOUG pulls up a chair and joins BETTY and SUE behind the booth.]
ALL (to a passerby): Biden sucks, vote Biden!