Hello! Welcome to your first and final flight to space.
Let me be the first to say that it has been so, so sad that Earth has been ravaged by war, famine, globalization, climate catastrophe, and every restaurant adding peppercorn to its desserts for some reason. But thankfully, through teamwork, innovation, and the whims of a billionaire who’s mostly known for making cars that blow up, we here at Big Space Company are so proud to fulfill our goal of bringing everyone—of any race, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, etc.—to space, regardless of whether they have a lot of money, a ton of money, a fucked-up amount of money, or even more money. And that is historic.
Look around the cabin. Some of you are here because you love marveling at the cosmos. Some of you are searching for a better life after the uninhabitable conditions on Earth swallowed up your second homes. Some of you have not lived down the humiliation of accidentally saying “bazonga” in 2013 when you meant “bazinga.” Many of you are here seeking a new hobby after the law barred you from doing any more insider trading. Two of you keep asking whether it’s possible to move your seat further away from Kyrsten Sinema. One of you is Kyrsten Sinema, and, boy, are you practicing your vacation clarinet. All of you have yelled at the waitstaff. Together, we’re going to build a new society in space, and it’s going to be fun!
We’re happy to offer a variety of amenities on this flight. For our first-class passengers, we have blankets and complimentary champagne. For our economy-class passengers, we have free water and snacks, resource-grab style—once the “fasten seatbelt” light turns off, you’re welcome to float about the cabin and fight over them. For our basic-economy passengers, we hope you enjoy your scenic view of the galaxy as you’re strapped onto the side of the engine—a perfect backdrop for thinking about how you could’ve been inside the spacecraft if you had just planned ahead and not spent all your money paying taxes. For those of you that are already homesick, we have Wi-Fi for an additional $18.95 if you cannot bear the thought of not being chased by a promotional email from Rugs.com.
Adventure awaits at your destination! The moon is full of gorgeous, rugged terrain, safe from the perils currently destroying Earth. There’s plenty of natural light coming from the sun. Nothing is melting because it’s really cold. We’re going to try fracking up there. It’s perfect!
Some of you are still really sad about leaving Earth, and we totally get that. That’s why when we get to the moon, we’re throwing in a FREE special called the “Deconstructed Package,” in which you get to have your very own hands-on experience building your home and neighborhood. So far, the only thing we have had time to construct is a gift shop, where you can grab AirPods, bagged gravity, or even a custom T-shirt that says, SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME VERY MUCH WENT TO SPACE AND CHOSE TO GIVE UP BEING A WALKING DISTANCE FROM A MCDONALD’S FOREVER.
Some of you might be thinking, “Wait, what do you mean we have to build all the infrastructure?” I mean, you guys have had to build a society from the ground up before, right? Oh, no, you haven’t? Well, we’ll figure it out. And while you’re at it, do you guys mind finding food and water? And we’re probably going to have some pushback from other life-forms up here, so we hope that you brought a gun and a big hat (life-forms don’t respect you up here unless you’re wearing a big hat). If you have any concerns, please have your legal team look over our liability waiver.
Thank you so much for choosing to take your space flight with us. We know there are many billionaires you could be giving your money to, and the fact that you chose us means the universe. If the universe costs $300,000, plus tax.
In the words of the brave pioneers before us who also never brought a map anywhere: Prepare for blast off.