About 30 years after the death of Jesus Christ, before the destruction of the first temple, his twelve disciples met in the Judean Hills to discuss the marketing plan for Christianity.
SIMON: Okay team, the rabbinate dropped us as a client. We’re going to need to find a way to get to our God-fearing consumer.
MATTHEW: The time is ripe for a bit of creative destruction. Call me an angel of darkness, but I suspect it won’t be long before the whole Temple comes down. Or at least brings in a new creative director. Have you seen the latest tabernacle? I’ve seen more well-executed sacred dressings at the salad bar at Jedidiah’s Galilean Diner.
SIMON: C’mon Matt! That was made in the image of god!
MARK: More like the image of gaudy.
Disciples chuckle, save Simon.
SIMON: Let’s get back to the problem at hand. How are we going to appeal to our first millennium audience?
JOHN: I hate first millennials. All they care about is whether their broiled grouse was sustainably sourced. And they never look up from their tablets.
LUKE: Yeah, but they’re our demo. What if we do a ton of branded content? Make it super fresh and exciting, and sort of slip in the whole Son of God, Holy Trinity, resurrection thing. We can call it “native advertising," or “Canonical Gospels,” whichever the planning department thinks will work better.
MATTHEW: That’s brilliant. We’ll focus on the Mediterranean basin and then try to hit coastal markets. I’m thinking the one near the Red Sea that sells those grey shrouds, and the other near the Nile that specializes in livestock.
PHILIP: And hit that sweet price point so we appeal to the merchants and the slaves.
LUKE: I fucking love that.
MATTHEW: Just spitballing here, but what if we push the idea that to achieve salvation you need to repent? That way they have to buy in to the scripture to avoid eternal damnation. Sell the sizzle not the lambshank, get what I mean? The Holy Word will be flying off the shelves. We can do an email-blasphemy to get the word out to our following.
JAMES: What’s our tagline?
BARTHOLOMEW: “Got Milk? Got Bread? Thank Jesus!” Or, “Jesus is Forever,” or what about “Jesus: Breakfast of Champions.” Or “Real Women Choose Dove.”
JAMES: “What Can Jesus Do For You?” “A Chicken in Every Pot, Blessed are the Meek For They Shall Inherit the Earth”?
PHILIP: It needs to be quick and cheeky, like “Jesus: Son of God” or “Death to Infidels.” We need to make an emotional appeal. At the end of the day it’s not about the money, it’s about the prophet.
LUKE: How about: “Have You Heard the Good News?”
BARTHOLOMEW: Real original.
Disciples roll eyes.
JAMES: Let’s do a fun Pentecost kickoff celebration too. I’m thinking pastels and a rabbit motif.
THOMAS: Hey guys, do you think Jesus would want this? You know, us sort of co-opting his message to inform some larger belief system that condones the vilification of those who don’t ascribe to the doctrine of Christian—
MARK: Hey, sorry to interrupt, but do we think 15 bushels of wheat is too much to pay for a Christ bobblehead?