Q: Do I have to make room for people when the bus starts getting crowded?
A: Not if you don’t want to. Even if the bus driver shouts, “Please move all the way to the back,” several times in a row over the loudspeaker, it’s really just a suggestion. Feel free to ignore them for as long as you want. After all, they can’t stop the bus forever.

Q: I know this is a stoplight and not an actual bus stop, but can I get off anyway?
A: Sure. Just remember to keep aggressively pushing the back door while looking bewildered so the driver knows you need to get off right now. And if the door doesn’t open immediately, yell as loud as you can, and eventually, you’ll get what you want.

Q: Can I stand in front of the exit, even though plenty of seats are available?
A: If that’s where you’re most comfortable, make yourself at home. Remember to put your headphones on and blast your music while scrolling on your phone so no one can interrupt you as they attempt to get off. This is your space now.

Q: My friend and I are FaceTiming about our sex life. Do I really need to hang up?
A: Don’t be ridiculous; your fellow commuters love hearing about unsolicited tales of your and your friend’s sexual exploits. Be sure to be as detailed as possible because this could be a learning opportunity for any children who may be listening.

Q: It’s the driver’s fault there’s so much traffic. Can I yell about it?
A: Only if you sit in the very back so that you can taunt the driver at maximum distance. I mean, you want everyone to be involved, don’t you? It’s imperative that you make your threats as lengthy and nonsensical as possible so that the driver knows how much they are personally inconveniencing you. You chose to take the bus; make sure they know it.

Q: I’m trying to be a professional drug dealer. Can I sell cocaine to other passengers and get aggressive when they reject me?
A: The Transit Authority supports small businesses. If you want, you can take up the entire back section of the bus to set up shop. Establish yourself by insisting that every passenger buy something or get out. Money doesn’t make itself.

Q: Will it annoy other passengers if I listen to my weather radio on full volume even though it’s only picking up interference?
A: Of course not. Give the other passengers something to live for on their excruciatingly long commute. They want to hear Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” try to desperately break through the static. You can even add to the entertainment by singing a completely different song over it, creating your own unique mashup.

Q: Who’s to blame for creating this Hell on Earth?
A: While it would be easy to blame Walter Hancock, inventor of the first bus system, you shouldn’t. The bus is merely a reflection of our society. We cannot fault it for being a passive observer in this tragedy called life. It’s just a bus—you’re the problem.