Our city is proud to offer monthly trash pickup, every-other-day recycling pickup, and composting services. Are you in the present moment with us? Vibe a bit longer, then see when your intuition says to place the compost at the curb—that will be the correct time. But how do you know which items belong in which bin? It simply couldn’t be simpler.
Blue glass bottles must be carefully shattered and tumbled to add to our gorgeous city’s pebbly beach. A carpool takes glass pebbles to the shoreline on the harvest moon. Clear glass bottles can be placed directly into the yellow glass bin. Glass bottles with metallic fasteners and tops can be reused to make an upcycled bouquet holder.
Do you own a jeweler’s magnifying glass? A set of reusable silicone swabs? You’ll need both to ensure the metal cans you recycle are spotless, or our friendly crew will accept your refusal to learn these simple guidelines as an invitation for our junior bagpiper’s team to practice in your yard. Your neighbors will absolutely love hearing their glorious drone.
For ambiguous metals, including but not limited to cadmium, nickel, brass, and aluminum, you’ll need a copy of Manuel’s Manual of House Metals and the special dichotomous key that goes with it. Flip to page 47 and say aloud the Latin incantation. Next, gather all your items, head to the dumpster behind the nearest Starbucks, and wait for a city raccoon. You’ll know it is a municipal staffer by its friendly and non-bitey attitude. The raccoon will bathe your recyclable metal and tinfoil in a fountain, and his paws will leave it clean and glossy enough for your outlandishly filthy bin.
Now that you live here, you must be ready to commit to a bagless lifestyle. On a rainy night, sit in your rental’s gravel driveway, and carefully weave a plastic net. Take a heroic dose of LSD, then meet the fleeting spirit of the sea turtle, and beg it for mercy after it watches all of your plastic bags float down the river.
Do you have your updated City Manual Version 3.852A? Good, we want to be on the same page here. Plastic jugs with purely decorative handles are always trash. Plastic jugs with usable plastic handles are recyclable. Honey squeeze bottles featuring bears with particularly deranged features are permitted to be burned in a yearly bonfire so that we don’t repeat the Teddy Bear Rampage of 2014. Larger plastic jugs between 9.5 to 75,000 ounces are recyclable, but only if filled with LaCroix at least four times before being deposited in a bin.
Paper and Cardboard
For these items, you’ll need a Schmueller’s grease scale, accompanied by the pizza scale. If your cardboard is just a bit greasy, say a 1-2.5, you can put it in the recycling. If it is just a smidgen above that, you’ll need to throw it in the compost; if it has dark purple or bleached cardboard, you need to place it in a trash can.
Don your darkest cloak. A black mask. Any color underthings. Sneak your styrofoam garbage into your neighbor’s trash can, so no one will know your secret shame. Overexplain your terrible and mighty guilt to your cashier at Trader Joe’s when they ask how your day is going and enjoy a mild panic attack while they attempt to soothe your frantic feelings.
Thank you for your time and attention while learning how straightforward recycling is here. Don’t forget, you’ll be getting your yearly reference to help you identify different plastic, metal, and aseptic packaging types shipped directly to your door unless you choose to opt out by DMing us on Instagram. We also have various fun and exciting workshops coming up:
- “Finding Joy and Presence by Gardening in a Pre-Apocalyptic World”
- “Are Reusable Menstrual Products Guilt-Free Enough?”
- “Making Things Bearable: How to Move On After the Plastic Honeybear Massacre”
- “What the Hell Do I Do With All These Amazon Mailers?”
- “Bagpipes: Why Not?”
Also, don’t forget to submit your drawings for the city employee raccoon mascot. The grand prize winner will get one extra trash pickup this year.