OK, let’s sit and think about this for a minute. Mr. Atkins is dead. And, no, Carol, we can’t go to the police. Why? Because this wasn’t an accident. We all know that. Mr. Atkins made us come to this Trust-Building Retreat. He made us do these exercises for two whole days. He yelled at us to work together. And we all lost it and decided to cut his zip-line rope. That’s murder, Carol! Plain and simple. And, you know what? If one of us goes to jail, we all go to jail.
So, the question is this: Do we trust each other enough to keep this murder a secret? When we go back to Lenny Dykstra Toyota on Monday and people start asking questions about where Mr. Atkins is, when his wife starts wondering why he never came home, when the police get involved, do we trust each other enough to know that not a single one of us will rat? I think we do.
I’m looking around this group. I’m looking at the entire sales team—a sales team who just had an amazing quarter, thank you very much—and I see a lot of people I can trust.
I know I can trust Gary. He didn’t let me down during those Trust Falls and he wouldn’t let me down during a lengthy police investigation. I know I can trust Carol and Martina. When they passed that egg between each other without using their hands, it didn’t crack. And, if they were questioned for hours about the disappearance of our boss, I trust that they wouldn’t crack either. And I definitely trust Jordan. When we needed someone to walk across that thin plank of wood without falling, he did it. No questions asked.
That brings us to the intern. I’m gonna say it right now. I don’t trust him. When we all did the “Good Morning” cheer this morning, you could tell his heart wasn’t in it. I don’t think I saw him clap once during the clapping section. And, during the Human Knot game, he just made things harder. He was a loose end then and he’s a loose end now. A loose end that needs to be tied.
Carol, shut up! Just listen to me for a second! You’ve got kids, Carol! Do you want to entrust the possibility that your boys will grow up without a mother to some fucking kid who can’t remember what a single one of us was “Bringing on a Picnic”? I was bringing peaches, Carol! Not fucking pears! We only got halfway through the goddamn alphabet because of that kid!
Look, it’s easy: we kill the intern. No! Let me finish! Tonight, after s’mores, when he’s asleep, we’re going to smother him to death with the Trust Quilt we made yesterday. We’ve already killed once, what’s one more death? We bury the bodies somewhere deep and, when we go home, we tell people that the intern and Mr. Atkins ran off together. Remember when we first got here and we all had to say something we liked about each other? Mr. Atkins had one ready to go with the intern super quick. I don’t think it’s too hard to believe they ran off to have a secret love affair together. I’d believe it.
After that, we just use the trust we’ve built up during this amazing bonding experience and we all take the secret to our graves. Will it be hard? Yes. But this is the team that finished that scavenger hunt in record time. We can do this.
Alright, let’s put our hands together. Lenny Dykstra Toyota sales team on three. One. Two. Three. Lenny Dykstra Toyota sales team!
Now go get the shovels.