Winnie the Pooh is a diabetic, easily-angered man in his fifties who stocks shelves during the night at a Walmart in Ohio.

Tom is an iguana and Jerry is a hippopotamus. They are working though a divorce.

Garfield is Kierkegaard re-incarnated as a chihuahua with an eating disorder. Odie is a blueberry muffin.

Betty and Veronica are two halves of the same person, but only on weekends.

Mickey Mouse is a spider monkey on meth.

Spongebob Squarepants is a manifestation of all your shattered childhood dreams. Patrick is a lamp post.

Pikachu is an eloquent orator who chooses not to speak in full, clear sentences as a protest of human rights injustices.

Bugs Bunny is a HUGE David Foster Wallace fan.

Scooby-Doo is a 26-year-old mother of three currently enrolled at a community college Massage Therapy program. Shaggy is her AA coach.