ME: Hey man, I’m at Hamilton, and get this, James Cromwell is here.
TODD: Who?
ME: You know, James Cromwell. He was the police chief in L.A. Confidential.
TODD: Oh, right. Wasn’t he also George Bush’s dad in W.
ME: Yeah. George Bush.
TODD: He’s tall, right?
ME: I don’t know. He’s sitting, but he looks like he could be tall if he stands.
TODD: Let me know.
ME: k.
[3 Minutes later]
ME: Hey, so this is weird: James Cromwell won’t shut up. The lights have gone down, Hamilton has started, and James Cromwell is talking very loudly.
TODD: How loud?
ME: He’s shouting. James Cromwell is shouting.
TODD: Has anyone told him to be quiet?
ME: I think people are hesitant because he’s James Cromwell.
TODD: He’s not that famous.
ME: He was nominated for an Academy Award, Todd.
TODD: For what?
ME: Babe
TODD: He was the farmer?
ME: Yeah.
[5 second pause]
ME: Todd, James Cromwell is still shouting.
TODD: What’s he shouting?
ME: I’m only catching fragments. But it’s stuff like, “I don’t want that,” and “Leave me alone,” and “Stop it, Alice. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.” Stuff like that.
TODD: Keep me posted.
ME: k.
[3 Minutes Later]
ME: Todd, the entire cast of Hamilton is staring at James Cromwell. James Cromwell is staring back at the entire cast of Hamilton. There is tension. Oh shit, James Cromwell just asked the cast of Hamilton what the fuck they were looking at, and the guy who plays Lafayette in the first act and then Thomas Jefferson in the second act — the fast rapping guy — told James Cromwell to shut the fuck up. Some people cheered but other people didn’t. I think some people are on James Cromwell’s side.
TODD: Why is anyone on James Cromwell’s side?
ME: It’s James fucking Cromwell, Todd.
TODD: Didn’t he have a small recurring part on Six Feet Under?
ME: Yeah.
TODD: He was good in that.
ME: Yeah, he’s good in a lot of stuff. He’s a good actor, Todd. James Cromwell is a good actor and he’s approaching the stage.
[3 Minutes Later]
ME: Todd, James Cromwell and Lin-Manuel Miranda are straight-up standing toe-to- toe. James Cromwell is really tall.
TODD: I thought so.
ME: He towers over Lin-Manuel Miranda.
TODD: I don’t imagine Lin-Manuel Miranda being very tall. Or that short. I don’t know what I think.
ME: Todd…
TODD: What?
ME: James Cromwell just knocked Lin-Manuel Miranda out cold with an uppercut to the jaw. And Todd…
TODD: What?
ME: James Cromwell is taking off Lin Manuel Miranda’s costume and he’s putting it on himself.
TODD: Huh?
ME: James Cromwell just asked the conductor if he could start the show from the top with him in the role of Alexander Hamilton.
TODD: What?
[3 Minutes Later]
ME: Todd, James Cromwell is nailing it. He sounds great. He knows all the words. All the rapping is perfect.
TODD: So, the show is good?
ME: It’s very good.
TODD: Are people upset?
ME: I think they were at first, but then James Cromwell totally won them over with his excellent acting, singing, and rapping.
TODD: What is Lin-Manuel Miranda doing?
ME: He’s unconscious. People are just stepping over his body and doing Hamilton as if he’s not even there. Todd… holy shit!
TODD: What?
ME: Albert Finney, from Big Fish just walked on stage, knocked out the guy who plays George Washington, put on his costume, and, without missing a beat, entered Hamilton.
TODD: So, right now, James Cromwell is Alexander Hamilton and Albert Finney is George Washington?
ME: And you’re not gonna believe this, but Carrie Coon from The Leftovers is Ben Franklin.
TODD: Ben Franklin isn’t even in Hamilton.
ME: She is freestyling and creating the part on the fly and it’s going perfectly.
TODD: Lin-Manuel Miranda must be so upset.
ME: I don’t think so. Lin-Manuel Miranda just regained consciousness, smiled, gave a thumbs up, and passed out again.
TODD: Wait, quick question: When James Cromwell took Lin-Manuel Miranda’s costume, did James Cromwell put his clothes on Lin-Manuel Miranda?
ME: No.
TODD: Is Lin-Manuel Miranda naked?
ME: Yes.
TODD: Does he have underwear on?
ME: No.
[3 Minutes Later]
ME: Todd…
TODD: Let me guess, Academy Award winner Chris Cooper just knocked out the guy who plays Aaron Burr with a paint ball, zip-lined to the stage from the balcony, and, in a perfect tenor completely fucking nailed the song, “Wait for It.”
ME: Wait, are you here?
[3 Minutes Later]
ME: Todd.
TODD: What?
ME: You know how in Hamilton King George comes out and sings his solos?
TODD: Yes.
ME: Well, the first one happened and it was normal. But the second one is happening right now and guess who’s playing King George?
TODD: Who?
ME: Casey Kasem.
TODD: From American Top 40 and, in what may come as a surprise to some people, the same Casey Kasem who did the voice of Shaggy in Scooby Doo?
ME: Yes.
TODD: Isn’t he dead?
ME: Yes.
TODD: But he’s alive right now singing, “What Comes Next?” from Hamilton?
ME: Yes.
TODD: How is he?
ME: Perfect.
TODD: Is his body decomposed or anything?
ME: Yes. Very bad. And it smells. But no one cares because his singing is wonderful. He looks like the boss from Scrooged. Speaking of, Karen Allen from Scrooged and several Indiana Jones films is here.
TODD: Did she go on stage?
ME: No, she’s just watching.
[2 Hours Later]
ME: Todd, the “cast” of Hamilton is taking their final bow. Can I list off who is currently on stage from left to right?
TODD: Okay.
ME: Roseanne Barr, Arnold Palmer, Chris Tucker, Alfre Woodard, James Cromwell, Albert Finney, Carrie Coon, Casey Kasem’s skeleton, former first lady Rosalyn Carter, current first lady Michelle Obama, Colin Hanks, Kris Kristofferson, Dana Carvey, the dog from Mad About You…
TODD: Murray?
ME: Yeah, he did that one song where…
TODD: “Farmer Refuted?”
ME: Yeah, how did you know?
TODD: Makes sense. That’s a total Murray song.
ME: Well he nailed it. Also up there right now, Yoko Ono, Ringo Starr, Paul McCartney, George Harrison’s son Dhani, Bernie Madoff, Wendy Williams, and Harriet Miers.
TODD: Harriet Miers?
ME: She was that failed Supreme Court nominee during the Bush administration.
TODD: Oh right.
TODD: Who was she in the play?
ME: Elizabeth Schuyler, Alexander Hamilton’s wife.
TODD: How was she?
ME: Perfect.
[3 Days Later]
ME: Hey, Todd.
TODD: What’s up. I’m at Hamilton.
ME: Cool.
TODD: Guess who’s in the audience?
ME: Who?
TODD: James Cromwell.
ME: Is he shouting?
TODD: Yes.
ME: Do you think what I saw was planned? Or do you think what I saw went so well that that’s how they do Hamilton now?
TODD: I’m not entirely sure, but I did see Casey Kasem’s carcass enter through the stage door.
ME: Well, Todd, looks like you’re in for one hell of a show.