Pg. 49: Your ox dies from dysentery. Two days later, you die from grief.
Pg. 72: In a world of apocalyptic warfare, drone massacres, and nuclear devastation, there is no market for Lisa Frank–inspired iPhone cases. Your microbusiness fails.
Pg. 48: A man named John Cigarettes offers you a cigarette. You accept the cigarette. You like how it makes you feel. It’s almost like the world stops while you smoke. When you finish the cigarette, you ask John for another. “Sorry,” he says, “I’m all out.” But you can tell that his pack of cigarettes is full, and that John is not telling the truth. When you return to the Church of the Holy Redeemer and Fiefdom of the Executor of Heretics, you tell them that John is a heretic. They find and crucify John.
Pg. 12: Your father doesn’t remember to turn off the stove after a long night drinking Old Style in the garage and deciding, minutes before passing out on the couch, to heat a can of Progresso Italian Wedding soup on the front right burner. The house burns down, and your mother and sister perish. You and your father live. After this experience, you no longer believe in God. At the age of fourteen, you hop a train west. Eventually, you go to clown college. You perform as a clown at birthday parties. It makes you happy to see young children having a good time. You fall in love but never marry. You microwave all your meals.
Pg. 17: You and a very small clown are trapped in a dumpster that has caught fire. The very small clown finds a way out, but you do not.
Pg. 48: Your plan goes awry, and you and a very small clown are crucified by a sect of desert-dwelling Islamophobic Christian Nationalists. Your ox is slaughtered and served as the main course of the Church of the Holy Redeemer and Fiefdom of the Executor of Heretics barbecue and raffle.
Pg. 12: Turns out there is no God. Though the Catholic priests pray for you, their prayers fail to relieve the cramping in your gut. You die of dysentery. Two days later, the very small clown dies of grief.
Pg. 6: You are almost killed by raccoons. You escape. Two days later, they find you. You negotiate with the raccoons. They agree to let you live in exchange for five slices of American cheese.
Pg. 44: A clown gang comes to claim the very small clown. Turns out the very small clown is a child. They accuse you of kidnapping. You plead with them, promise your fealty to the Clown King. You join their dominion, become a clown-in-training, gain power, fall in love with the Clown King’s wife, kill the Clown King, claim the throne, and the rest is essentially the plot of Hamlet.
Pg. 11: Your father orders you to jump into the motel swimming pool to escape an incoming tornado. You do. Lightning strikes the swimming pool. A current of electricity sizzles your skin and licks your veins. You die.
Pg. 38: A very small raccoon lives in the dumpster in the parking lot of your apartment complex. Sometimes, you feed it slices of American cheese. When your father dies, you think about the house that burned, and the life your sister never got a chance to live. Your father does not have a funeral, as he has no family or friends. If you had a chance to say goodbye to your father, you’d have turned it down. One day, you go downstairs to feed the very small raccoon some cheese. The dumpster is gone. Where did the dumpster go? You will not rest until you find it.
Pg. 19: You feel a sharp pain in your chest. It overwhelms your senses. What you’ve experienced is an aortic aneurysm due to a congenital heart defect that you didn’t know you had. You die while snorkeling in Belize, your body consumed by lemon sharks. Meanwhile, your ox looks out upon the sea, waiting for your return. The ox looks out for a long time. Your ox gets hungry, finds a grassy meadow. The ox continues to think about you. In time, these thoughts fade. Eventually, the ox no longer thinks about you at all.
Pg. 33: Your plans to get a teaching license, marry your college sweetheart, have three kids, drive a red Jeep Cherokee, and own a split-level house with a white picket fence and backyard trampoline are derailed by Islamophobic Christian Nationalists. Also, your Lisa Frank–inspired iPhone case microbusiness fails.
Pg. 27: The very small raccoon beats John Cigarettes in a game of Texas hold ’em. John refuses to accept the raccoon’s victory. You inform John that if he doesn’t pay up, you will report him to the Islamophobic Christian Nationalists, so John gives the raccoon five slices of American cheese.
Pg. 4: Taco Bell closes early due to a plumbing malfunction. You are very hungry, but now you will not get the tacos that you crave. As a result, you have a better night’s sleep than usual. In the morning, you feel refreshed. Life goes on.
Pg. 71: Your father doesn’t remember to turn off the stove after a long night drinking Old Style in the garage. The house burns down. You survive, but you now have a scar on your forehead. Your friends call you Harry Potter. You pretend that you are a wizard. However, you do not have magical abilities. You grow up close to home, skip college, and live an uninspired and inauspicious life in the Chicago suburbs as an out-of-work welder and part-time food vendor. You microwave all your meals.
Pg. 40: America ceases to exist and is replaced by a warscape of competing fascist fiefdoms. There are churches, but no clowns. Bodies are strewn in the streets, and raccoons develop a taste for human flesh. Islamophobic Christian Nationalists shoot the raccoons, as the meat is needed for the Church of the Holy Redeemer and Fiefdom of the Executor of Heretics barbecue and raffle.
Pg. 28: Your father orders you to jump into the motel swimming pool to escape an incoming tornado. You do. Lightning strikes the swimming pool. A current of electricity sizzles your skin and licks your veins. You survive, but you now have a scar on your forehead. Your friends call you Harry Potter. You pretend that you are a wizard, but you do not have magical abilities. You skip college, live an uninspired life in the Chicago suburbs as a part-time food vendor. You do not like to swim in swimming pools, but you do like the ocean. While snorkeling near Galveston, you feel a sharp pain in your chest. It overwhelms your senses. What you’ve experienced is an aortic aneurysm due to a heart defect that you didn’t know you had. You die, and your body is consumed by lemon sharks.
Pg. 3: Your ox dies from dysentery. The very small clown dies from dysentery. You die from dysentery. The very small raccoon rummages through your bag in search of American cheese. The raccoon does not find cheese. The raccoon dies from grief.