Template 1
Dear President Trump and [RELEVANT MINIONS]
I’m just writing from [UKRAINE / GAZA / THE HEARD AND MCDONALD ISLANDS] to say, once and for all, thank you for all you’ve done for us.
For too long, democratic nations around the world have [RECOGNIZED OUR SOVEREIGNTY / AT THE VERY LEAST ACKNOWLEDGED OUR PEOPLE’S RIGHT TO BE ALIVE / KNOWN THAT WE ARE UNINHABITED BY HUMANS]. Your administration has finally put an end to that dark era in our history by [SUGGESTING A TREATY THAT RENDERS YEARS OF FIGHTING, SUFFERING, AND DEATH POINTLESS BY GIVING YOUR IDOL PUTIN EVERYTHING HE WANTED / OFFERING TO KICK US OUT AND CONVERT OUR LAND INTO TRASHY HOTELS / IMPOSING TARIFFS ON PENGUINS, ELEPHANT SEALS, AND SEABIRDS].
We want to say thank you in our language, so [DYAKUYU / SHUKRAN / “DONKEY-LIKE PENGUIN BRAY” ]. Or, to put our thanks in a language you understand better, we’re also offering [FULL ACCESS TO OUR RARE MINERALS IN EXCHANGE FOR NO SECURITY ASSURANCES / OUR POPULATION’S VOLUNTARY RELOCATION AND THE PASSIVE CEDING OF ALL OUR LAND TO YOU FOR YOUR PERSONAL PROFIT / WHATEVER IT IS YOU’RE AFTER HERE: BABY SEAL MEAT? A GOOGLE SEARCH BAR SO YOU CAN FIND OUT ONE SINGLE THING ABOUT OUR TERRITORY?].
Sincerely,
Your foreign admirer
Template 2
Greetings [MR. PRESIDENT / DEAR LEADER / GOD’S FAVORITE SON]
I think I speak for all [CIS WOMEN / JEWS / PEOPLE OF COLOR] when I tell you how grateful I am for this administration. As a member of a marginalized group, I’ve always dreamed that I could be [USED TO JUSTIFY / USED AS COVER FOR / BLAMED FOR] [TRANSPHOBIA / IMPRISONING PEOPLE BASED ON THEIR BELIEFS OR COUNTRY OF ORIGIN / ANY HUMAN ERROR OR SOCIAL PROBLEM IN THE ENTIRE WORLD].
When [STOKING BATHROOM-SHARING FEARS / CALLING OPPONENTS “ELITIST” / DISMANTLING EVERY PROGRAM INTENDED TO PROMOTE EQUALITY] proved inadequate to achieve your administration’s objectives, I’m proud that [PREVENTING ME FROM COMPETING IN SPORTS WITH MY FRIENDS AND CLASSMATES WHOM I VERY MUCH WANT TO COMPETE WITH / CALLING ANYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH YOU AN ANTISEMITE, INCLUDING ME IF I DISAGREE WITH YOU / SHOUTING “DEI” EVERY TIME A PLANE CRASHES] provided a more effective method of [RUINING / RUINING / RUINING] our society.
I look forward to our future collaborations in [SCRUTINIZING ATHLETES’ GENITALS IN THE NAME OF PROTECTING ME / SHIPPING DISSIDENTS TO CONCENTRATION CAMPS IN THE NAME OF PROTECTING ME / USING ME AS A SCAPEGOAT EVERY TIME YOU MAKE A MISTAKE].
Your policy alibi,
Marginalized American
Template 3
Dear business genius,
I’m a [WORKING-CLASS PERSON / MIDDLE-CLASS PERSON / SUPER-RICH PERSON]. Thank you for making me poorer.
Staying brief to save ink money,
[YOUR NAME. LITERALLY ANYONE]
Template 4
How’s it going, eh, President Trump?
It’s Canada, your beloved neighbor to the North. We’re known for being polite, so we’d be remiss if we didn’t thank you for saving our country from years of conservative leadership.
We never expected an authoritarian American president to benefit our Canadian Liberal party, but you managed an ingenious method of gaining influence: consolidating our entire nation’s emotions and energy around one particular aim: hating you. Did you know the Liberal party was down 25 points in popularity when you began your attack on Justin Trudeau? Before you became President again, our conservative candidate, whose name we have already forgotten, was a shoo-in for prime minister. All it took was your relentless taunts and threats, along with your general personal distastefulness, to bring our citizens to their senses and completely turn around our election. Talk about government efficiency.
We’re so grateful, it almost makes us want to become the 51st American state.
Just kidding. And we were also kidding about being polite: you can kiss our moose-, poutine-, and maple syrup-loving asses and go to H-E-double hockey sticks.
Piss off, hoser,
Canada