Hello, everyone. Congratulations on becoming part of this grand jury for matters relating to the Trump campaign’s relationship with Russia. My name is Wes Anderson, and apart from being a highly accomplished filmmaker and screenwriter in my own right, I will be directing your relationship with the Justice Department investigation. You’ve probably seen some of my work and thought to yourself, “Hmm, I wonder if this wizard of the silver screen has ever considered taking part in a whimsical investigation into electoral malfeasance?” Well, lucky for you, we are all now participating in a judicial process that I am calling Freedom Homestead: Or, A Whimsical Investigation Into Electoral Malfeasance.
I know, I know. It’s unusual to have a White House-appointed intermediary between a grand jury and the investigating authorities, let alone one who has successfully transitioned from independent to mainstream filmmaking while maintaining his own distinctive artistic voice. These days, it seems that much of Hollywood has abandoned its artistic core, just as much of Washington has abandoned its ethical core. However, the representative of the Trump administration who spoke with me was adamant that I would liaise between the grand jury and the special prosecutor’s team. At least, that’s what I think he said; it was a little difficult to understand. He either said “We need to get rid of Mueller” or “We’re looking for a real auteur.”
However, I completely understand the responsibility of our role. It is imperative that this grand jury remain totally impartial. Therefore, I have elected to hold all of our proceedings in a small seaside village on the coast of an indeterminate New England coastline. No one will know the identity of the town until the day before a hearing, and then every juror will be visited by a small, precocious, and impeccably dressed child, who will hand over an envelope with an air of solemnity and then run off onto a mid-century locomotive called THE CONSTITUTION LIMITED. Then, a 1970s-model Volkswagen Beetle will pull up in front of your house, and a man with a driver’s cap, goggles, and a mustache will honk a horn. You’ll know it’s the right car, because the driver will be played by Jason Schwartzman. The vehicle will carry you down a road to the site of the hearing, which has been carefully choreographed so that there will be limited traffic, as well as an unusual number of kites stuck in trees.
Oh, I’m so rude, I forgot to introduce everyone! I get that juries are supposed to remain anonymous, but for me it’s more important that everyone develops strong bonds of friendship that appear even stronger due to understated, monotone acting. Welcome to all of you: Bill Murray, Anjelica Huston, Edward Norton, Bob Balaban, Willem Dafoe, Waris Ahluwalia, Adrien Brody, Tilda Swinton. And, of course, welcome to all the Wilsons: Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Andrew Wilson, Patrick Wilson, Brian Wilson, Ann Wilson, Nancy Wilson, Russell Wilson, Woodrow Wilson, Rebel Wilson, Chandra Wilson, Rainn Wilson, August Wilson, and Wilson Phillips.
Ours is a high-priority, high-security operation, and we need to be prepared for any eventuality. Thankfully, I have made a list of everything that could happen in this diary, which is labeled TERRIFYING POSSIBILITIES.
Now, I have several rules that everyone should follow if we are to have a successful grand jury. First, our relationship with the Mueller team must be highly structured. If the special prosecutor would like to submit a subpoena application, he must do so using a five-minute animated video. The following formats are acceptable: colored pencils, ink, charcoal, watercolor, stop-motion, and crayon. Any computer-generated subpoena animations will be immediately rejected. Then, he should send one of the many small, precocious, and impeccably dressed children to deliver a film reel of the animation to a letterbox in the shadow of a windmill inhabited by an old schoolteacher with a heart of gold. I will specify the location of windmill in a later missive.
Second, it is absolutely necessary that every member of this grand jury have all of the following items. I’ll just list them out, and if you don’t have any, raise your hand, and I’ll make a note on my scroll. Legal pad; ballpoint pen; straw hat for the sunny days; raincoat and galoshes for the rainy days; a lobster trap for trapping lobster; lobster bait to place in the lobster trap; the complete filmography of Jean-Luc Godard; a gramophone for the long, lonely nights; a map of central Spain; twine; four pairs of extra-large sunglasses in case disguises are required.
You have all of these items? Wow, actually? Okay, then. This is why I work with so many Wilsons.
If you’re worried about any of this, then you’re probably in the same boat as pretty much everyone in America, then. We’re also on an actual boat, so I think it’s time to paddle back to shore.