Good morning, agents. I’ve been brought on to direct this inquiry into the Trump campaign’s ties with the Russian government. Don’t worry about introducing yourselves. I’ve already learned all of your names. I put little Polaroid photos on index cards, and I used a calligraphy pen to write your first name, last name, a nickname, and a drawing of a whimsical sea creature that I, personally, believe is reflective of your personality. I then organized the index cards alphabetically and took another set of Polaroids of all of them in case the originals are lost. Then I put the second set of Polaroids in a safe located in a pastel-colored self-storage complex in Vermont. Organization is the name of the game in big investigations like this, and I am nothing if not organized.
Now, you may be asking yourself why a renowned filmmaker who has sadly been overlooked at many awards shows would be leading a Justice Department inquiry into the President and foreign manipulation of the 2016 election. Well, I was personally asked by a White House official, who apparently was impressed with my past work. It was hard to understand him, but he either said “Comey is too close to the truth” or “I loved The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou!”
In any case, I have many qualifications for this position. I have extensive experience with a number of large endeavors, mementos from which are kept in this box I brought with me labeled LARGE ENDEAVORS.
For instance, here is a key that I acquired when I directed a team of European hotel concierges to uncover a disreputable art thief. And this old flashlight comes from a time when I directed a search party for a pair of children who went missing in the middle of a forest. As it turns out, they were just embarking on a journey of self-discovery, a sort of timeless coming-of-age adventure, if you will. I imagine that many of you agents will have a similar experience in this Russia investigation. If you don’t find proof of collusion between Vladimir Putin and the Trump campaign, at least you will find out more about yourselves.
Now, we will need several items in order to conduct our high-priority federal operation, so I’m just going to list them out and you can note which ones you are missing. If you have any confusion about what any of these items are, just let me know, and I’ll show you a hand-drawn image I created that represents the item in question. Okay, here we go. Notepad. Pencils. Pencil sharpener. Winter coat. Galoshes. Machete. Twine. Replacement pencils and replacement pencil sharpener. A Russian-to-English dictionary, covered in a book jacket for a mass-market paperback from the 1960s. One of the bicycles ridden by the children in François Truffaut’s classic French New Wave short film Les Mistons, which you absolutely must see if you haven’t already. Three wigs of different hair colors and styles. Binoculars. Thicker twine.
All good? We all have these items? No? None of them? Okay, well, go get them when you can. These are all very important to the investigation, but you will only understand why in approximately an hour and a half, and even then you might be a little confused.
Next, we must discuss how we will communicate. As you all are well aware from being in the FBI, a lot of attention has been given to emails and phone calls, which apparently can be easily monitored by hackers, spies, and law enforcement officials. For that reason, we will be sending messages exclusively by handwritten letters, tied together by the twine I mentioned earlier and delivered by this courier standing right next to me. His name is Armando, and he is played by Jason Schwartzman. Armando tells me that he is proficient in three different martial arts, and I am confident that he will protect our missives with his life, if need be.
When you write to each other, please don’t forget to use the nicknames that I provided for you on the index cards. This will help us remain organized, but it will also ensure that our identities are kept secret on the off chance that Armando betrays us.
Okay, so that wraps up this briefing. When we exit this room, let’s all make sure to walk together in very slow motion for a few minutes. I think it will give a nice sense of closure to this whole scene. When members of the Trump campaign leave the congressional hearings at which they will inevitably be required to testify, I will ask them to do the same thing, and it will look really cool.