As a God-fearing, Trump-following elected representative, I believe that every child has a right to life and then to be ripped from its mother’s arms by ICE and locked up in a secret child detention center. Because children are gifts from the Lord and helpless pawns for us to use as leverage to force the Democrats to build the border wall.
As the Trump administration has pointed out clearly over and over again, we are a nation of laws. Crossing the border illegally is a misdemeanor crime, like vandalism, or selling margarine as butter, or hunting with a ferret, and we must crack down on these ruthless acts with the harshest possible punishment. So, if you violate an immigration statute, you deserve to have your innocent child torn from your arms at gunpoint and whisked away to a windowless warehouse where they will be thrown into a cage with twenty other children. You do the crime, your toddler does the time.
Jesus said, Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, and before you were born, I consecrated you. And then after you were born, we, the United States, incarcerated you in a tent city in the desert. In Matthew 3:19, our Savior said, Permit the children to come to Me, which shouldn’t be too hard because our tent city is in Texas and it’s summer.
Of course, we have heard the public’s concerns that taking immigrant children away from their families is racist and I would like to assure you: Yes, this is totally the Democrats’ fault. You see, our government is committed to defending the Constitution and the idea that “separate but equal” is unconstitutional. That’s why we’re making everything separate and unequal.
You see, when I quote Romans 13, Let everyone submit to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established, I’m only talking to the blacks and the browns. White folks, please feel free to keep stockpiling assault weapons for your militia to rise up against the next Obama.
If this legal double standard seems confusing, let me give some concrete examples. If you cross the border and go through the legal process of requesting amnesty, and you’re a Latino, that’s a crime. If you plunder the government of millions of dollars through illegal cattle ranching and then take a national wildlife refuge hostage and threaten federal agents with guns, and you’re a white person, just keep on keeping on!
I want to be clear: we’re only separating brown babies from their brown parents. If your Norwegian cousin wants to bring her baby here and overstay her visa, go ahead and bring that little bundle by my office and we’ll take some baby kissing photos for my midterm campaign.
But listen, I do have empathy for these people who are crossing the border, which is why I’m such a huge proponent of ripping nursing babies from their mothers’ breasts and disappearing them into the desert. That way people will stop coming here and no one will ever have to get their baby ripped away from them again. Sometimes in order to help people, we have to either lose or cage their children and subject them to psychological torture that leads to lifelong trauma and attachment disorders. We’re even forbidding anyone to hug these children, so our policy should be super effective.
I really do hope our methods of deterrence prove effective because families belong together — back home in their war-torn countries where they have to live in mortal fear of death squads. But just remember Ephesians 4:2, Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. Unless you live in an abandoned Walmart with blacked out windows. The only thing watching over you there is the rollback emoji.
Again, I am just a humble follower of Christ and Trump, so I leave you with this passage from Isaiah 66:13, As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you. Or I’ll steal you away from your mother and deport her and let no one comfort you. Also: blame the Democrats.
Welcome to America, boys and girls.