Manly Bird (given name Darren) is a high school senior, but like, a hard senior. He lives in Oakland, an inherently more masculine city than Sacramento because it appeared in Black Panther. When Manly Bird is begged to take a lead role in the school play, a teacher asks if his actual name is Manly Bird, to which he replies, “Yah, it’s my name given to me by my lacrosse buddies.” This is accepted and never mentioned again. Though not depicted on screen, it is assumed Manly Bird loses his virginity to a 26-year old model. Despite his middling grades, Manly Bird wants to go to Yale. So he does.
A gender-flipped remake of Bridesmaids, the entire two-hour movie is one extended scene of the nine groomsmen getting food poisoning from bad pokė bowls. It takes place at a tuxedo rental shop in a strip mall that somehow has no toilets; not a single reviewer finds it gross at all.
It’s the same movie audiences remember, except no one makes assumptions about Aaron based on his personal style. He’s immediately promoted by Ed, who “sees himself in him”. After three months, Aaron ends up abandoning the Hinkley case when he’s offered a competitive executive compensation package from Pacific Gas and Electric, and he lives out his days just generally having it all: investing in Poland Spring stock and flipping houses for a tidy profit in Hinkley, as the occupants die from drinking toxic water.
Brotherhood of the Traveling Pants
Four teenage guys find a pair of embellished jeans which they borrow from one another a lot while getting some ass in Greece and at soccer camp — all in one summer! Their other jeans are dirty and they don’t really remember how to do laundry, so… The jeans aren’t really flattering on any of them, but they don’t care because they have internalized from a young age that men can succeed without being conventionally attractive.
Mystic Pizza: Man in Space
Miles Teller stars as Damien, a hot pizza waiter in the picturesque town of Mystic, CT. He has tons of sex, consensually. He loves the solar system, and he dreams of being an astronaut. He’s under a lot of pressure at work because the biggest food critic in all of the Northeast is coming to eat his pizza. The critic (played by Matt Damon, a huge wink to his role in the original film, which was his first movie ever) loves his pizza so much that he uses his NASA connections to get Damien a job as an astronaut. This is the inciting incident. The remaining 117 minutes of the film is a sci-fi thriller.
Andy is a unique and quirky guy afraid of lobsters, but no one ever addresses why he is afraid of lobsters and that maybe he should talk to someone about it? He’s just considered fun and interesting. He never goes to therapy and never regrets any of his decisions, especially when it comes to who he should and shouldn’t be dating. Random side note: The filmmaker for the movie has married her own adopted son, a fact that affects no one’s enjoyment of the film.
A League of His Own
A group of men, who had previously only played intramural softball, start a very successful baseball league in reasonable uniforms and it’s fine. John Mayer plays a ribald infielder who just can’t get enough of the ladies — it’s hilarious. No one cries at any point.
9ish to 5ish
Three working men grow tired of their shrill female boss, who thinks she’s so qualified just because she has 20 years of experience and has saved the company millions. They devise a plot to abduct her and run the business themselves — so they do, and no one really notices. They mostly just give one another promotions and do coke for the rest of the film.
Flowers are for girls and no one dies of diabetes. Keith Urban plays the sassy blond owner of the local beauty parlor, where all the men gossip as they get clear mani-pedis and discreet blowouts. The men also help the beautiful young groom-to-be, Timothée Chalamet, pick out his wedding colors: steel magnet and toolbox blue. Warren Beatty is the town curmudgeon, but it’s not a big deal because men are allowed to be grumpy and outspoken.
Theo and Louis
This Oscar bait film takes place in the world of the original Thelma and Louise, but brings audiences into the seldom seen perspective of the attempted rapist, Harlan. This humanizing drama shows viewers how his life would have gone, had it not been brutally cut short by two ladies and a shotgun. Theo and Louis are the male voices that speak to Harlan while he’s in a coma, encouraging him to fight for his worthy life. Emile Hirsch and Casey Affleck star.
Caden is a transfer high school student from Antarctica who has never been to an American high school before or ever watched a TV show. His first day he is mercilessly mocked by the Teslas, a group of cool guys who all own Teslas. They maintain a group Google Doc where they talk trash about their classmates (and exchange bitcoin strategies) called the Dick Doc. On Wednesdays, they wear whatever they feel like, as they do each day. They are kept in line by a nerdy but wise teacher played by The Rock. Caden endures the relentless bullying of the Teslas until one day they suddenly stop for unknown reasons. He never processes how badly they treated him and they are eventually all best men at his wedding.
No word yet on the plot, but James Cameron is directing in 4D and there WILL be six sequels.