Atlanta Hawks

PRO: Would get much-needed privacy playing for a team that does not broadcast games or allow the public to watch them.
CON: Historical legacy may be tarnished given the Hawks’ refusal to keep stats or record wins and losses. Some players have converted physical form to beams of pure energy.

Boston Celtics

PRO: Could set up opportunity to then get traded to whatever team Kyrie Irving ends up on next, just to make Kyrie’s life hell. Would be fun to say “Hi, Kyrie” like 100 times per game.
CON: Mandatory Irish accent gets tiresome game after game.

Brooklyn Nets

PRO: More fuel for lifelong Welcome Back Kotter obsession, pregame whispers of “This one’s for Epstein” would make more sense.
CON: Dislikes artisanal mayonnaise.

Charlotte Hornets

PRO: Would honor his childhood best friend, Charlotte Hornet, a female hornet.
CON: Fears bobcats, worries some of them may still be hanging around the facility even after the name change.

Chicago Bulls

PRO: All Akron children are born with two things: a deep love of tires and the ability to say, “Excuse me, Coach Hoiberg.”
CON: Invites comparisons to that other #23 for the Bulls: Eric Fernsten (1976).

Cleveland Cavaliers

PRO: All his stuff is there already, wouldn’t need to get boxes or rent U-Haul.
CON: No one else on team knows how to play basketball.

Dallas Mavericks

PRO: Under “Maverick” approach, no one needs to listen to anyone else or even show up to games. Total freedom.
CON: Team’s insistence on him wearing blond wig and going by “LeDirk.”

Detroit Pistons

PRO: Gets chance to play with Bill Laimbeer and Rasheed Wallace.
CON: Or not? I haven’t thought of the Pistons in years.


PRO: Establishing international agreements to promote peace and prosperity.
CON: Constant travel means LeBron Nation has no permanent borders, impeding tariff management.

Golden State Worriers

PRO: Has always been a worrier, would be nice to do so in a golden state.

Green Bay Packers

PRO: No more basketball just punting punting punting all the live long day.
CON: Team already has punter, only wants football players.

Houston Rockets

PRO: Would get chance to say his hilarious “Houston, we have a problem” joke so much more often.
CON: Competitive beard growing with Harden could mean tripping on beards, incurring injuries.

Indiana Pacers

PRO: Would get chance to say his hilarious “Indianapolis, we have a problem” joke so much more often.
CON: Rik Smits looking on somewhere in the world. Judging. Always judging.

Los Angeles Clippers

PRO: Working for owner Steve Ballmer would be a chance to discuss passionate, almost off-putting obsession with Microsoft SharePoint software.
CON: Would be a member of the Los Angeles Clippers.

Los Angeles Lakers

PRO: He’s a shaker, a baker, and a lovemaker.
CON: He’s a Quaker.

Miami Heat

PRO: South Beach is a verified home for one’s talents.
CON: Can’t dribble ball on beach. Too much sand.

Milwaukee Bucks

PRO: Bucks.
CON: Milwaukee.

Minnesota Timberwolves

PRO: Could finally get that rock opera project with Paul Westerberg off the ground.
CON: Everyone freezes to death and dies in Minnesota. Everyone.

New Orleans Pelicans

PRO: Favorite food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner is already New Orleans pelican.
CON: Is not an actual basketball team.

New York Knicks

PRO: Everyone in the world wants to play in New York City.
CON: Only people in New York City actually believe this to be true.

Orlando Magic

PRO: Already fancies himself a cross between Buddy Ebsen and Wesley Snipes, both Orlando natives.
CON: Hates magicians.

Bay City Rollers

PRO: The gals go crazy for them!
CON: None.

Philadelphia 76ers

PRO: These young kids on that team with their crazy ideas and social Facebooks and their texting and the computers and the whoozits.
CON: These darn hooligans running around with their Voldemort drone airplanes and internet contraptions riding hot rods through the parking lot.

Phoenix Suns

PRO: None.
CON: None.

Portland Trailblazers

PRO: Diet Coke is an enjoyable beverage and signing here would be a chance to play alongside Damian Lillard, the Diet Coke of NBA players.
CON: Accurate pronunciation between “Organ” and “Or-ee-gone” can be hard to pull off.

Sacramento Kings

PRO: A chance to finally know what death is like.
CON: Team can only afford to pay about a hundred bucks a month.

San Antonio Spurs

PRO: Abandonment of the concept of self and individual identity makes life easier.
CON: Team rule about cutting off contact with the outside world, while understandable, seems sad.

Seattle SuperSonics

PRO: Excellent team chemistry, would work well with Jack Sikma and Lonnie Shelton.
CON: Private time machine could malfunction and take him to sometime other than the ’78-’79 season.

Toronto Raptors

PRO: Dinosaurs? Yay!
CON: Scary dinosaurs, though? Whoa, whoa, not so sure about that.

Utah Jazz

PRO: People are very nice.
CON: Sometimes a little too nice.
PRO: What do you mean? They love their team! You’re too cynical.
CON: No, I’m sure you’re right. It’s just, what do they want? No one is that nice just to be nice.
PRO: Yeah but… okay, this is a Mormon thing, isn’t it? You got something against Mormons?
CON: No! I grew up with a lot of Mormons. They’re super nice. But you have to admit they get a little pushy about trying to get you into their church, right?
PRO: They’re trying to tell you about something that has brought them great joy and happiness. I mean, maybe they’re not the problem here.
CON: Fair enough. The caffeine thing is a little weird, though.
PRO: Yeah, I’ll give you that.

Pack of Wild Dogs in the Hills

PRO: Dogs powerful! Dogs in hills! We run and run! Dogs in the hills!
CON: Dogs die. Can’t treat infections. Don’t know what baketbald is.

Washington Wizards

PRO: Access to power when the real revolution comes. Wizards have beards, so that’s a natural.
CON: Team ownership repeatedly vetoes attempts to outfit players in flowing wizard robes.