We are two good American citizens who would be perfect choices to perform at the upcoming presidential inauguration of Donald Trump. We ran track, did theater tech, and got respectable SAT scores. We could also play a decent duo Chopin piece on piano if we practiced hard enough. It seems like we’d be a shoo-in for the inauguration at this point, but honestly, we could never live with ourselves if we did perform — if we were ever asked. We absolutely refuse to sing for that orange monster, even though we were both in choir. We would also never dance for him, and we are incredibly nimble dancers.
Many brave entertainers have turned down requests to perform at the inauguration and we want to say we stand with them, we are proud of them, and sorry, but did we do something wrong? Literally almost everyone’s been asked to perform and they’ve been able to take a stand and say, “Absolutely not,” “No way,” and “You’re not my president!” Did we mention that we are two budding talents in so many areas? You would be lucky to ask us and then be promptly denied by us.
We are former child prodigies who have blossomed into regular-sized adults. We have almost 20/20 vision and our blood pressure is what doctors call, “Better than our cholesterol.” We are two people who, on average, are one person.
Is it because you don’t have our most updated email address? Earthlink locked us out so we just use the Hotmail one now. And yes, we check our spam folders.
We live at 201 5th Ave. Our house is the blue one with the broken window and the unlocked front door. You could literally walk in and hand us our invitations. It would be so easy. We would immediately ask you to leave our property. (I mean, we’re not rude, so we might invite you in, talk for a little bit and then kick you out.)
If it’s too difficult to reach us, we are happy to travel to Trump Tower. In fact, we are outside the building right now. We’re the ones wearing matching yellow raincoats.
We cannot emphasize how available we are, so we could potentially perform at the inauguration just based on scheduling, but we would never do that. Please come over and have some of the bonbons we made, so we can reject you to your face.
Also, know that we could seriously use the money, but we would still say no. Because we have principles. I guess we could take the money and donate to a noble cause, but we would never do that either because we hate you and anyway we’d use the money to buy fancier bonbon ingredients. We have a killer recipe, which we would NOT share with you, because we find your values abhorrent. Please let us know when we can tell you this directly.
Just know this: We are two Asian-American youths (imagine how good that would look!) and we are healthy, smart, and free on January 20th. But we would like to tell you, Donald Trump, that we will NEVER perform for you, your administration, or anyone that aligns with you, if, you know, we should be asked. (Please ask.)