Hooray — you’re having a pink! Everyone dreams of one day holding their very own little pink in their arms. Here is a pink balloon glued to a pink teddy bear to recognize this joyous occasion. Unless, of course, you already have a pink at home, or even two pinks. In that case you must have been trying for a blue. Please accept this condolence card.

Pinks can be a lot of fun. For example, when a pink is still very small and shapeless, you can attach a little bow to its head so that other people know it’s pink. This is good pink etiquette, in fact. It’s very distressing to the people around you when they congratulate you on the new little blue you’re pushing down the sidewalk, only to realize it’s actually a pink. Can you imagine??

The rules for dressing a pink are pretty simple: Always pink. Up to one item of purple is also acceptable. Black is best for Minnie Mouse silhouettes. Blue is only OK as a stripe in a rainbow or the color of a unicorn’s eyes. To make extra sure there’s no confusion, you may wish to drape your own body in pink tulle and reupholster your car interior in pink leopard. Or have your house razed and replace it with a jumbo pink princess play tent.

But it’s best not to take pink-having too seriously. Up to three days a week, you can dress your pink in clothing with fun slogans. For example, DADDY’S LITTLE PINK is good. A T-shirt that says PINKS RULE! or PINK POWER! can be cute (but make sure these messages are embroidered in glitter thread so they don’t seem too aggressive). Fanciful phrases like FAIRIES EXIST or IF I CAN DREAM IT, I CAN DO IT or EQUAL PAY FOR EQUAL WORK are sweet, too.

A stuffed animal can make a nice gift. But remember that those with eyelashes or brushable manes are most appropriate for pinks to play with. Other stuffed animals, including dinosaurs, can spark an unhealthy interest in blue topics like high-fat diets and economics.

You know what’s better than dinosaurs? Dolls! Playing with a doll encourages your pink’s natural caretaking side. Some dolls even come with their own strollers, bottles, cribs, urine-filled potty seats, and preschool tuition bills to give your pink practice with the responsibilities it will face later in life.

Tea parties are a fun activity you can share with your pink. You can also watch TV and movies together that cultivate an obsession with animated, fictional pinks. And several team sports are good options for pinks: soccer with a ponytail, soccer with a headband, soccer with braids, and competitive leotard-wearing with makeup. Bonus: As your pink grows, moderate exercise will help it maintain a shape that’s pleasing to others!

Speaking of which, enjoy the fresh air at those soccer-with-braids games while you can — because once your pink is older, you’ll have to lock it in the house. All around you are blues, running wild, eager to corrupt or physically harm your pink. You may have to nail boards across your windows if they start trying to break in. That’s just blues being blues! Their inability to control their own actions is part of their charm. If your pink sneaks out and gets attacked by a blue, make sure that only the pink experiences consequences.

If your barricades hold, though, you will probably hear some whining from your pink about not being able to attend concerts with its friends from leotard team, or breathe fresh air. That’s because teen pinks are the worst.

But don’t worry! Someday, all of your hard work will pay off. Your pink will grow up and start creating more little pinks for you — or, if there’s any justice in the world, blues. You’ll brim with pride when you hold these little bundles in your arms. You can teach them everything you know. Start with colors.