Hey! It’s me, a white woman who is the love interest of a white superhero. You may know me from my very many accomplishments, but you probably don’t because we never explore those and instead just list my achievements in passing to seem like I am a strong, independent woman. Anyway, I’m here because I need to return this car.

Yes, I realize the car is a bit battered, specifically smashed in from the top and shattered in the windows, but that’s only because my boyfriend — did I mention my boyfriend is a hot white superhero? — did some casual earth-saving and this was in the way. I’m returning it for him because I’m endlessly kind and also serve no other purpose right now except to help clean up his messes.

Okay, I understand that you need him to be here and see his ID to return the car, but I promised him I’d do this one thing for him, in addition to the million other things I do while he takes all credit. He’s not a bad guy, though — literally, he is the “good guy.” And you know he’s totally woke because he’s dating me, a smart lady who’s unafraid to tell him when he’s wrong. Didn’t you hear my accomplishments? I listed them so you could marvel at his willingness to date me despite them. Isn’t it incredible to know that a man can still be physically turned on by a woman who has experienced a modicum of success? What a feminist!

If you don’t let me return this car then I’m going to cry and turn this into a scene where I have to be very dramatic and raise emotional stakes for the superhero. Now in addition to saving Earth, he has another reason to fight: me, and this used car. Isn’t that crazy? I’m rooting for him, but I’m also in conflict with his emotional wellbeing. So complex!

No, I refuse to fix the damages! I’m already busy being a perfect gauge to see what exactly men want from women, thereby feeding into their patriarchal fantasies while also proving why so many men are terrible and sexist!

Ugh, one second, he’s calling and I have to tell him off real quick. I know, it’s so hot that I’m the only person who’s brave enough to stand up to him. I got to be his girlfriend because I’m able to I tell him off just enough so I seem “quirky,” but not too much to turn him or any male viewers off. Also because I’m objectively hot and can recite lines without betraying any sense of character development. Not to mention that I’m played by an incredible, overqualified actress who’s fully responsible for making this two-dimensional, cardboard character feel like a real person!

You know what — fine! I’ll have him come in and return this himself. Maybe you’ll listen to him — actually, I know for a fact that you’ll listen to him, because he is supernatural, powerful genius, and I am a mere mortal who happens to be very hot. Whatever. I love him!