To everyone who attended my open mic set at Chuckles last night:
I am deeply sorry for my actions. For those of you who may have heard about the incident through media reports and were offended, I also offer my apologies. I regret bringing my boyfriend Jonathan on stage and bludgeoning him to death with a fraternity paddle.
I should have never forced him to swallow his own hand while I hot glued the palm of his other hand to his buttocks. I also regret encouraging other women in the audience to murder their own boyfriends with the Williams-Sonoma steak knives I provided at each table.
Simply stated: I messed up.
Putting my boyfriend through even one second of physical trauma, by pouring boiling water on his head, so his brain would overheat and slow his speech to an incoherent “Fa muuhhh — muhhh — MUHHHHH” was inappropriate. I do not condone, nor advocate, the torture or murder of anyone. And to be completely clear, I do not support hanging people upside down from a ceiling fan to cause blindness, even if it is temporary or funny at first.
I am aware of the alarming statistics of murdered boyfriends across the country, and I do not think it is a joke. I have plenty of former boyfriends, many of whom I still consider my friends and who have hearts I’ve never punctured with sharp iron. Moreover, I am not the first comic to make an audience uncomfortable. For centuries, comedians have explored the ugliness of the human condition to shine a little light on the darkness.
None of this excuses juggling Jonathan’s severed thumbs and pointing fingers on stage last night. My attempt to bring levity to a horrible epidemic by selling my boyfriend’s body parts to competing online physical therapy schools was misguided. I was not trying to cross the line for the sake of crossing it when I ended my set with, “Time of death: 10:07 pm,” I was just working some material out.
I was also trying to make a point about a larger issue that is close to my heart. (My uncle was brutally murdered by his girlfriend in 1992.)
But, unfortunately, my point was missed.
I recognize my mistakes and will work to fix them in the future. I am also open to an honest dialogue about this topic over the Internet.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to your respective state’s anti-domestic violence organization in Jonathan’s memory. My next set at Chuckles will be Saturday at 10 pm. There is a two-drink minimum.