Dear President Bannon,
Congratulations on your upgrade to Malebolge, the Eighth Circle of the Abyss. This tier of our eternal rewards program is reserved for customers of our Fraud department, including flatterers, adulterers, hypocrites, and thieves. And what a dedicated customer you have been.
We thank you for your use of our offerings, including Graft, Pandering, Deceit, and the Promotion of Discord. You earned your Fraud points through a surprising variety of purchases, ranging from tax evasion to promoting white supremacy.
The bulk of your Fraud points were earned, of course, through your war against Islam, a religion you slandered in Breitbart News and in your “documentaries.” Once you became a Presidential advisor, you started earning triple points with your Muslim-targeted immigration ban. (We apologize that the product broke immediately upon delivery.)
Your wide range of purchases grants you access to all ten pits of the Eighth Circle, where perks include lashings, fire, disembowelment, and serpent bites. In our spa section you can alternate between the refreshing River of Excrement and the steamy River of Boiling Tar, strolling between them in your custom-ill-fitted leaden robe. You can check into these accommodations much faster than you think, and there is no check-out time.
This Eighth Circle upgrade may come as an honor, but not as a surprise. We’ve anticipated it for some time now, watching you rack up points. You’ve been a big fan of our Greed and Usury collections during your career at Goldman Sachs, and when evading nearly half a million dollars in taxes. You even impulse-bought one of our more obscure wares, False Coinage, by running a World of Warcraft gold farm that violated the game’s terms of service.
Many of your orders included a Misogyny add-on, such as when you called liberal women “dykes,” promoted Gamergate, and published a comparison of Planned Parenthood to the Holocaust. We also thank you for your alleged purchase of Domestic Violence, a common starter package that signals interest in larger purchases.
While Malebolge is one of our highest membership tiers, there is one higher. If you fulfill certain requirements, we would be delighted to upgrade you to Cocytus, the Ninth Circle. This lake of ice is reserved for our most honored guests, the traitors. Notable guests at this tier include Cain, Brutus, and Judas Iscariot. While policy prevents us from suggesting specific qualifying products in our Betrayal line, we are confident you will explore your options.
Founder and CEO, The Abyss
Inspired in part by Justin Hendrix’s #postcardstobannon campaign, Dear President Bannon is a virtual safe space for people to share their hopes, thoughts, and feelings with the 45th President of the United States, Steve Bannon. Submit your letters, postcards, drawings, photographs, or videos with the subject “Dear President Bannon” to firstname.lastname@example.org.