Dear President Bannon:
Sir, I would first like to thank you once more for appointing me as Secretary of Handmaids. Like you, I was pained to see the Department launch and fail within the first months of the Reagan administration, but am elated to see it rise from the ashes. It is an honor to serve my President and my country. I look forward to Stage Three of Project Gilead, when we can make the existence of said department known to the public. To be sure, designating a cadre of fertile women to provide heirs to the country’s leaders after the impending nuclear war inevitably leaves many of their wives barren is, at the risk of sounding obsequious (and repetitive), a stroke of genius. It is a tremendous source of pride, Mr. President, that you have entrusted me with the duty and privilege of choosing who shall carry the seed of these luminary men.
I realize, of course, that Stage Three is still at least six months away. I hope you will consider the following a sign of my enthusiasm for your bold vision for the country and not impertinence. Put plainly, your Excellency, I have completed my initial list of potential handmaids for members of the administration and submit them now for your review. I welcome and look forward to your questions, concerns, and corrections.
Name: Katherine Varrick (Hereafter “Ofmike”)
Assigned to: Vice President Michael Pence
We at the Department believe that Ofmike will serve as an ideal handmaid for Vice President Pence. Her perfunctory smiles and dead eyes will calmly assure him that he need not fear her, for she lacks the human emotions to ever question her role as a sentient womb. We understand from the Vice President’s time as Governor of Indiana that this is the primary/only quality he seeks in a woman.
Name: Loren Johnson (“Ofjeff”)
Assigned to: Attorney General Jeff Sessions
During the Department’s short and ignominious life in the 1980s, Loren Johnson was actually considered for a position as a handmaid to former Attorney General Ed Meese. A scathing rebuke in the form of a letter from a prominent civil rights figure convinced my predecessor that Johnson was a poor choice. Under current leadership, however, we believe Ofjeff will serve this Attorney General well.
Name: Svetlana Zakharova (“Ofrex”)
Assigned to: Secretary of State Rex Tillerson
Ofrex was recommended to us by our corporate partners at Exxon-Mobil and President Putin’s staff. She is, in fact, is already well-acquainted with Secretary Tillerson. Normally we like to do our own vetting, but we were assured by the company and members of Putin’s staff that the Secretary’s pre-existing relationship with the Russian handmaid could only prove beneficial to the nation, and will never, in any way, come back to bite us in the ass.
Name: Ashley Wagner (“Ofrichard”)
Assigned to: (Future) Secretary of Racial Purity Richard Spencer
Ofrichard is White. Very White. Blonde haired and blue eyed with skin as white and smooth as an Imperial Wizard’s hood. We at the Department cannot stress this enough, as we know how tremendously important this is to Secretary Spencer. Seriously, we ran all kinds of scientific tests, and not the kind of “scientific tests” you have them rely on over at the EPA. We are happy provide you and Secretary Spencer extensive documentation ensuring Ofrichard’s Whiteness. I took the liberty of translating these documents into German.
Assigned to: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie
Despite all promises and appearances of promises during the campaign, a handmaid has not been chosen for Governor Christie, per your instructions.
Name: Ayn Rand (“Ayn Rand”)
Assigned to: Speaker Paul Ryan
The department takes particular pride in this selection and, indeed, in the prodigious scientific advancements required to make this selection a reality. Through arduous effort, the Department was able to reanimate the corpse of novelist and philosopher Ayn Rand, of whom we know Speaker Ryan is quite fond. We also know that half the delight in having Ayn Rand as a handmaid is having people know she is, in fact, the cold-hearted Objectivist who brought Atlas Shrugged and confusing erections to Young Republicans across the nation. As such, we have forgone the formality of the Department’s naming protocols.
Name: Sarah Wendel (“Ofmitch”)
Assigned to: Senator Mitch McConnell
Honestly, we just found a woman who most closely resembled a mammalian turtle and ran with it.
Name: The Manufacturer Informed Us This Particular Model Was Called “The Samantha” (“Oferic”/ “Ofjunior”)
Assigned to: First Sons Eric and Donald Jr.
The department was advised by Eric and Donald Jr’s handlers that they should, under no circumstances, be provided with a human handmaid. (Apparently, it’s a safety issue for everyone involved; it was clear from the conversation that information beyond that was classified.) So we have worked with the world’s foremost maker of “Alternate Women” to craft a handmaid for Eric and Donald Jr. to share. The boys’ handlers are quite pleased, and have assured us that the two will not mind/realize that they were not given their own, or that “Oferic”/ “Ofjunior” is in fact, actually a sex toy.
Name: Ivanka Trump (“Ofdonald”)
Assigned to: “President” Donald Trump
Certainly, “President” Trump has made his feelings on this issue abundantly clear, and I am happy to say that the Department has not failed him, procuring Ofdonald under new eminent domain guidelines recently established by executive order. We realize this leaves Jared Kushner without his wife, so the Department has made arrangements to replace Ivanka with Tiffany Trump (“Ofjared”).
Of course, my liege, I have not included your name on this list, for I would not dare to assume what you desire or require in a handmaid. (Certainly not after the last time I was so foolish, for the scar you left with the hot poker serves as a daily reminder to “not be such a fucking cuck.”) I look forward, your Majesty, to learning your will at our next meeting.
Until then, I remain,
Jamie A. Kenney
Secretary of the Department of Handmaids
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