Let’s face it: You’re not as successful as you could be. If you were, you wouldn’t be reading this article — you’d be enjoying your #fourhourworkweek from your #eameschair.

I looked at America’s most successful people, and I found that almost ALL of them had ONE thing in common. It wasn’t the books they read (but you are wasting your life if you haven’t read Atlas Shrugged), and it wasn’t that they wake up at 4 AM to do a HIIT workout (but if you do, I recommend listening to the audiobook of Atlas Shrugged to jumpstart your metabolism AND your mind). It wasn’t even that they had a consistent bedtime routine of reflecting on their day in front of a small shrine to Ayn Rand and the meal-replacement beverage Soylent.

So are you ready for the secret to success, the one thing you should absolutely do EVERY day if you want to succeed in life?

Be a white man.

Yes: It’s that easy.

I know what you’re thinking: “But I already do all the things that white men do. I go to any networking event that has ‘entrepreneur’ in the title. I golf with name-brand golf balls. I eat four eggs every single morning because a lifestyle blog called A Real Man Earns His Muscles convinced me that protein is basically a superpower. Hell, I even work harder than a white man. Do I really need to be one?”

Simply: yes.

When you’re a white man, there’s no question about whether you “deserve” something: you know you do, no matter how many people say to you, “You’re not talented,” “How did you get into this office?” or “You need to spend your free time doing something other than chewing up and spitting out Tim Ferriss books like you’re a mother bird feeding other overconfident-but-mediocre white men.”

Take a look at these facts: white men currently hold almost all of the power, and they’re TERRIFIED of giving it up to someone who doesn’t look like a younger version of themselves. But if you’re a white man and have no credentials other than the ability to force your pasty body into a suit, you can be the president of a company, or even an entire country!

Now, my regular readers know that I believe in hard work; I spend several hours every week on my side hustle because I’ve become convinced that launching an e-book is more important than spending time with my children, who have no way of generating passive income for me. But even though I believe in hard work, I’m not dumb: why would you try to succeed the hard way when there’s an easy way — being a white man — right in front of you?

Call me “crazy” but I am going to take the easy way!!

So how do you become a white man?

I have no idea. But as a white man myself, I don’t have to have an answer. I can just write an article that’ll whip you into an inspirational fervor without giving you any actionable advice, and a veritable army of other success-obsessed white men will still share it all over the internet with comments like “Yes!” and “We truly achieve our own destinies!” and “Wow, you really have #noexcuse not to do this!!!”

And unless I’m wrong, that seems like enough of a reason to be a white man, right? ;)

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