Hey. Hey, you. Listen, I’ve been watching you from that old antique wardrobe you bought. Remember that one? At that New Jersey foreclosure sale of that widowed cult leader? Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that you seem REALLY stressed out lately. I think you need to calm down.
Personally, I haven’t taken a breath in about 200 years, but I know the importance of it. It’s actually really simple. Watch me do it. First, you take a deep inhale through your chest, like this, and then you exhale. I guess that demonstration didn’t help since I don’t have lungs I am unable to take in oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide. Also, my chest no longer moves up and down. But that’s not the point — we’re talking about you here. You really should learn how to take deeper, more thoughtful breaths.
Doing Yoga helps, too, you know. I’ve never done it personally because by the time it started trending in Western Culture I was a rotting corpse and now I no longer possess a physical body that’s capable of stretching, per se. But from my experience seeing other people do yoga, it seems effective. You should definitely try it. Doing Yoga is SUPER important. Do Yoga!
Meditating is another good one. Just deeply inhale and exhale while sitting cross-legged. It’s super easy and it’ll REALLY help you clear your mind before you sleep. That’s another thing, you need to sleep more. You understand how important getting eight hours of sleep is each night, right? Take it from me, I… well, I guess I haven’t slept in over 400 years, but I still appreciate the importance of it, you know?
Listen, learning to handle stress really isn’t as hard as it seems. But your generation’s just like that, I guess. Actually, your entire century is like that. I mean when I was your age, I was… huh, what was I, exactly? Can’t remember. Well, it doesn’t matter anyway, the point was I could handle stress. We worked hard, but we just knew how to handle it better.
Someday, you’ll thank me for this advice. Not now, because right now you seem terrified, and maybe a little angry. But later. Anyways I’m going to go back into the wardrobe, let me know if you have any questions about any of this. Cool?