To Ghost: When a person of interest responds less frequently to texts and eventually ends all communication, fading out like a ghost.
To Zombie: When a person who had ghosted you reaches out to you months later, back from the dead à la a revived corpse.
To Witch: When the person you’re texting uses “witch” instead of “which” and you’re unsure whether it was their phone’s fault or whether they are cursed and spellbound, deserving of exile. You and your two best friends act as judge and jury to reach a verdict.
To Bloody Mary: When you’re texting an old flame during brunch and then chug three Bloody Marys and wake up in their bathroom.
To Black Cat: When you’re looking at Waze to figure out your next turn and the person you’re into texts you, thus covering the navigation, distracting you, and sending your car into an eight-foot ditch where — while firefighters prepare to use the Jaws of Life — you wonder if they might be bad luck.
To Mummy: When you’re texting a crush while going to the bathroom and the phone falls into the toilet, so you wrap it in toilet paper and store it in a dark, dry place for 72 hours with hopes that both the phone and your conversation will live again.
To Ring: When your phone goes off, but you weren’t expecting a call from your parents, so you look and gasp when you see it’s the person who’s really into you. Your skin pales as you send to voicemail and whisper, “Seven days” (until you terminate the relationship).
To Werewolf: When the gentleman you’re talking to on an app goes to the sports bar with his buds, drinks his own pitcher of Blue Moon, returns home, and immediately sends unsolicited dick pics. Related: To Jekyll and Hyde.
To Jekyll and Hyde: When the gentleman you’re talking to on an app goes to the sports bar with his buds, takes five shots of Fireball, returns home, and immediately texts you to mansplain why he’s a feminist.
To Poltergeist: When you decide to not engage with someone on an app because your only mutual friends are exes and to build a relationship on top of all of those graves would only end in implosion.