Dear Mr. Guest:

Thank you for your recent submission, “What I Talk About When I Talk About Paying Off My Student Loan Debt,” to Navient’s Loan Repayment Success Story Quarterly. We read it with great interest! We are excited to present it to our student loan borrowers! We know it will encourage the many thousands of borrowers to give us the money they owe in a more timely manner!

As you know, repaying your Student Loan Debt is an achievement worth sharing! This past month we received 233 submissions of success stories just like yours. We accepted all of them. Your understanding of irony was the strongest aspect of your submission. It shows us you paid attention while getting your Masters in Fine Arts in Creative Writing fifteen years ago! Another strength in this submission was the intended audience; 91% of our borrowers have an English/Arts degree of some kind.

However, we were unable to overlook a few glaring shortcomings. Surely you had a writing instructor at some level who told you that one “fuck” is enough in a short story. Two on rare occasions. Three is egregious. Were you aware that you used the phrase “Fuck you, Navient and your refusal to cancel my automatic monthly withdrawal option” more than 523 times, Mr. Guest?

We also expect a bit of creative license with each submission. But who will believe you worked at The Gap following matriculation from such a prestigious graduate program — albeit a low-residency program. Incidentally, were you aware that a traditional-residency MFA graduate receives a two-book deal and tenure track job? There’s a success story we’d love to publish! Furthermore, we feel our borrowers would not benefit from reading six chapters about the “mind-numbing skull-fuckery” that consumed you each time a manager asked you to refold a pair of slim-fit low-rise jeans because you’d forgotten to “tuck the crotch.” And regarding the footnotes detailing the exact budget you lived on at each given moment: a bit much. (Also, like your story title, it was derivative.)

Honestly, Mr. Guest, if it hadn’t been for that final chapter on how you overcame bronchitis without antibiotics so that you could donate plasma in order to meet the final payoff amount so as not to incur a hefty financial penalty per the agreement you signed with us when you first took out the loan as an aspiring writer fifteen years ago, the essay would have left us quite depressed. What an exciting ending! We only wish for the same conclusions for the other three undergraduate student loans you have with Navient because you failed to consolidate them at a lower interest rate.

That is why we are willing to consolidate your 43,000 words into “Live On a Budget For As Long As It Takes!” and include it in our “Tips For Borrowers” section at the end of the Quarterly. Again, as stated in the clause in the box you checked before submitting, Navient has been granted the “the right to edit the submission before it is used in publicity, promotions and advertising.” So, we have already published your submission. That’s good news for you! Think of the exposure for a writer of your quality!

Of course, there will be no pay as you, in submitting, also granted us “non-exclusive, irrevocable, worldwide, royalty-free license to reproduce, distribute… in promotions and other publications… in perpetuity.” But, again, think of the exposure! We have borrowers all over the world! Your copy of the Quarterly is available for $27 via our website linked at the bottom of this email.

On a final note we want to encourage you to take a vacation now that you’ve paid off your Student Loan. We recommend not using the snowball effect to pay off your remaining debt. Did you know that by saving your former monthly minimum loan payment amount you will be able to visit the The Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes National Park in Northwestern Michigan for two nights and three days in approximately 18-24 months? We can send you a handy coupon book to help you achieve this goal, for a small fee.

We do now offer private loans at competitive rates. So once you have regained normal lung capacity, should you want to take a vacation sooner or return to school to gain the necessary teaching experience so you can land that tenure track job, know that you are already pre-approved for a new loan! As an added bonus if you accept the offer, we will throw in a complimentary edition of our Quarterly to inspire you to repay us.

In the future, feel free to send us more Success Story Submissions! But please read through the stories of of other borrowers. This will help you gain a better feel for what we are trying to accomplish through our Loan Repayment Success Story Quarterly.

Yours in perpetuity,