[Originally published May 23, 2007.]
Richard Nixon and Winston Churchill
NIXON: Hello, I see you’re smoking a cigar and wearing a large hat.
CHURCHILL: So I am, young chap. Could I interest you in a cigar?
NIXON: Sure, I think I smoke cigars … maybe … I don’t know.
(CHURCHILL hands a cigar to NIXON, who bites off the tip and lights it.)
NIXON: We were probably alive at the same time.
CHURCHILL: Indeed, my boy, indeed. I had something to do with World War II and I think maybe you fought in it.
NIXON: I’m not sure if I did.
CHURCHILL: There’s not that much more about me that everyone knows.
NIXON: I once held up my hands and formed two peace signs. I was either about to get onto a plane or get off of one.
CHURCHILL: I have seen the photo, because I think there were cameras when I was alive.
NIXON: And what about Watergate? I did that.
CHURCHILL: Margaret Thatcher is someone else from England. She was leader after me.
NIXON: People can buy masks of my face.
J.D. Salinger and Christopher Columbus
COLUMBUS: I discovered America.
SALINGER: You’re a phony, everything’s phony.
COLUMBUS: I sailed on three ships called the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. I don’t think I had anything to do with the Mayflower. That was before me.
SALINGER: Everything is phony.
COLUMBUS: It was 1492 when I found America. That year is definitely correct.
SALINGER: Were there Indians here when you got here?
COLUMBUS: Yes. I discovered them, too. I don’t think I had Thanksgiving with them, though. Those were Pilgrims. Maybe I was a Pilgrim, but probably not.
SALINGER: I wrote one book and nobody ever saw me again.
COLUMBUS: There were no books when I was alive.
Abraham Lincoln and Hitler
HITLER: Kill the Jews.
ABE: Free the slaves.
HITLER: Kill everyone, especially the Jews. Nazis are the best.
ABE: Emancipation Proclamation.
HITLER: Mein Kampf.
ABE: Four score and seven years ago.
HITLER: Kill all Jews!
ABE: I was shot in the head at a play, because the Civil War made people from the South angry.
HITLER: I created Nazis.