So I know you said you’re here for a suspected UTI, but let’s get you up on the scale!

I’m not sure why you’re so resistant to getting weighed, it’s just a routine part of a doctor’s visit.

I understand you say you have a fever and burning on urination and flank pain, and that you’d like some antibiotics, but have you considered that all of those symptoms might just be due to the fact that you could stand to lose some weight?

Look, I know you’re a woman in America and thus are aware of the caloric value, saturated fat content, and gluten status of every bite you put in your mouth, but actually it’s surprisingly easy to eat more than you think you’re eating. Have you tried really paying attention? You might be eating your weight in bacon burgers without even realizing it.

Also, you know, I hate to say it, but this is just what happens when you reach a certain age as a woman. Fevers, pelvic discomfort, weight gain, anxiety, fatigue… Have you considered looking in to being younger?

I understand that as an informed health-care consumer, you have already googled your symptoms before coming here, and aside from that also have the acquired personal experience of living in your body for the past, what is it, 45 years? Yikes. But do me the favor of allowing me to disregard everything you’ve presented to me.

Hmmm, your blood pressure is a little high. Maybe when you start your new diet, you can also work on cutting out salt and caffeine. That’ll help bring those numbers down. Also, maybe carve out more time for exercise. I understand you have two young children and a full-time job and that your day starts at 5 AM getting everyone fed and organized and out the door, but it’s actually pretty simple to just wake up a half-hour earlier and get a good jog in!

I’m not sure why you’re crying. Is that something that happens often when you feel anxious?

All right, well, your urine test does, in fact, indicate a UTI, so let’s get you some antibiotics. But while you wait for that prescription, have you considered trying cranberry juice, yoga, and not being a woman?