Score one point for answering “yes” to each question.
1. Sometimes I have an itch, and then I scratch it, but a little while later I have an itch again.
2. At the end of the day, I get pretty tired.
3. Sometimes I eat something and then it’s like, ew.
4. I know someone who has a ton of allergies.
5. More than three members of my extended family are occasionally very irritating.
6. I sometimes have trouble sleeping several hours after seeing a scary movie.
7. Does this milk smell funny? Never mind, I already drank some.
8. The other day I swallowed and I felt my throat just kind of click, do you know what I mean? Like a clicking thing. It didn’t hurt, but still.
9. When I was young, some other kids got to go to the circus but I didn’t.
10. Once I wanted to tell somebody something and I couldn’t remember what it was and then I remembered and it was kind of boring and so I couldn’t decide whether it was even worth it to tell them.
11. I saw part of a movie that everyone thought was really great but I didn’t get it at all.
12. Mushrooms, never really liked them.
13. Toast with jam at someone else’s house doesn’t taste as good as toast with jam at my house.
14. My mom yelled at me a couple times.
15. When someone sings that song, “It’s A Small World,” I don’t like that at all.
16. A few birthday presents in my life have turned out to be pretty awful.
17. Same thing with Hanukkah.
18. Same thing with Christmas.
19. In fact, come to think of it I’ve really gotten quite a few lousy presents.
20. The ancient Egyptians were sure doing something right.
21. Sometimes when someone talks to me it sounds like all they’re saying is JIBBERISH.
23. Chicken is more delicious than fish.
24. Well, it really depends on how the chicken is prepared.
25. Pizza obviously is even better.
26. A robust foreign policy should be guided by basic moral principles.
27. Nobody likes clowns.
28. When this event is over, we should go someplace where they serve cookies.
29. You know what? I don’t think this quiz actually has any scientific or medical benefit of any kind.
0-9: You are in perfect health, which most people around you probably find off-putting. Comfort them with a gift of Lemony Snicket’s new book, 29 Myths On the Swinster Pharmacy, with illustrations by Lisa Brown.
10-19: You probably need what in the pharmaceutical business is called “a little boost.” Please see your local bookseller or nurse’s aid for a copy of 29 Myths On the Swinster Pharmacy by Lemony Snicket with illustrations by Lisa Brown, out now with McSweeneys publishers.
20-29: You are a very sick woman, or perhaps man. Make a pledge now to turn your life around with 29 Myths On the Swinster Pharmacy, a book by Lemony Snicket with illustrations by Lisa Brown.
30-47: You cheated on the test. Why would someone do that? What is wrong with the world? Find out by reading 29 Myths On the Swinster Pharmacy by Lemony Snicket with illustrations by Lisa Brown, in libraries and bookstores now.