Hello, Patent Office. I am Dolph Lundgren: movie star, martial artist, and international sex symbol. Perhaps you know me as the actor who punched Apollo Creed to death. I am currently in talks to play the titular role in The Punisher film. I also banged Grace Jones. But I consider the following invention to be my greatest achievement.


The patent is for a supermarket shopping basket device that will destroy your arm and expose weakness. A plastic basket with handle will give the illusion of being carryable by an average human, but when filled with grocery items it will push man to the boundary of limitation.


Shopping baskets are used commonly at stores such as Food Emporium, Stop & Shop, and Ralph’s here in Hollywood, where my six-foot-five frame and 261 pounds of muscles create big box office results via intimidation. People in these stores carry shopping basket to collect items prior to checkout and to test endurance. That’s why the shopping basket must be oppressive and merciless, driving the consumer to search for one final ounce of strength as punishment of groceries harshens. However, no solution yet exists for people to locate their iron core of determination while food shopping. The easily carried, reasonably sized shopping baskets currently in use do not effectively reveal who has the most recessive genes.


A primary object of the modern shopping basket is to create pain and agony within the human arm.

Another objective is to ensure it is impossible to carry the basket un-dominantly with two hands.

An additional object is to make baskets stick together when stacked, causing a devastating trial of will when attempting to pick up a basket for use.


FIG. 1, Basket Component: Its apparent portability is a trick, ha-ha! At half full, pain begins. Three-quarters full, common arm receives immense cramp. A full load of groceries results in cardiac arrest. If you cannot meet the challenge, then submit. Go and transfer your items to a shopping cart, its squeaky wheel announcing your humiliation. Basket will also be ABS plastic for easy cleaning.

FIG. 2, Handle Component: Basket handles must be thin and wiry and constructed of unforgiving steel, because the effect on your hand is irrelevant to me. As burden of meats and fresh produce grows, your palm submits to the guillotine. Handles must be hinged to create pincer-like trap for fingers, challenging all fear that dwells within you. If there is champion inside you, the shopping basket handle will reveal him/her.

FIG. 3, Invention in Operation: Lift! Lift the hell-basket! For you, for your country! Stumble to bread aisle. Switch to left arm. Rest basket on floor. Balance it against your thigh. Look at your pants now. Destroyed. Encounter attractive member of opposite sex. Are you grocery-shopping man of honor or are you little bitch!? Lift! Lift!

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